


A Letter to You

by genrose05



Category: Diary of a Future President (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Confessions, Fluff and Angst, Letters, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:28:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 26,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25009222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genrose05/pseuds/genrose05
Summary: Liam writes a letter.
Relationships: Bobby Cañero-Reed/Liam Carter
Comments: 25
Kudos: 39





	1. A Letter for You

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh this sucks and it's really short but<3 enjoy

Dear Bobby,

Hey! So when you receive this letter, I will be packed up and out of Miami on my way back home for good. Surprise, my parents are forcing me back home because my oldest brother is finally going to college but this won’t help anything.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I know leaving without telling or without saying goodbye is a dick move but I just couldn’t bring myself to walk on your porch to say goodbye. 

You are the best person I met in Miami, perhaps in my whole life. After the mini mishap of a disastrous first lock-in, you have been nothing but welcoming and kind and I have never felt so much trust in my life when you told me about your dad because in that moment, I felt like I could tell you everything. This is why I am writing this letter, I am here to tell you everything.

First off, thank you. Just thank you for everything you have shown me in my time within Miami. Maybe it isn’t like anything back where I grew up but I guess it will always have a special place in my heart.

Second, thank you for being my best friend. I know I already said thank you but this needed its own segment. Wow, out of all the people I have met, you have been the only one that stuck out to me. Please don’t take that as a bad thing. I just felt closer to you than anyone else. Is that weird? Why am I asking questions that you can’t answer to me right now? I don’t know but all I know is you might as well be my favorite person. I had friends back here but nobody like you. There was no one who encouraged me to do something I loved without even knowing that I loved it. You just always believed in me and I don’t know why but you did and it made me feel good where I was. 

This isn’t a goodbye forever since you have my number and we will still be able to talk but this is important and something I could’ve said over text but this seems more special in a way?

Bobby, I like you! Surprise. I’ve liked you for a while. I don’t know when it started but it definitely hasn’t stopped. I had to tell you know because I was too afraid to tell you every time I was close to. You had Monica-with-a-y and even after you didn’t, I had know idea if you liked guys. I still don’t, I guess I’m just shooting my shot as they say. 

It’s okay if you don’t like me back and it’s okay if you think it’s weird, I get it but I never told you this and now felt like the right time. I’m bisexual and maybe you aren’t the first boy I’ve liked but you have definitely made the biggest impact. 

I’m realizing this might be extremely overwhelming to see and I am really sorry. You deserve to be happy, Bobby. I hope we can talk after this because I have a lot more to say and I hope you listen but if you don’t want to, it’s ok. 

I’ll miss you, Bobby. Even if we continue to talk, I will miss you forever. Call me.

Love, Liam


	2. A Letter in Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby writes a letter back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a part two bby<3

Dear Liam,

Hey dude, you are a complete asshole for leaving without telling me. I cried. I legitimately sobbed into my pillow and my mother is fucking concerned, man. And I had to tell her and Elena that you left without saying goodbye to everyone that cared about you. So yeah, I am upset.

How could you leave without telling me that? Liam, I have liked you for so long and I was so scared and now I am even more scared because what am I supposed to do now? Fuck, dude, you know I am not good with words and feelings an all of it. 

I am not mad at you. It might seem like it but I’m not. I know how it feels, you know? How scary it is to say goodbye? I understand that you were scared, Liam, I know. Please don’t beat yourself up over it because I know you and I know you meant no harm in what you were doing. I guess we are even now, huh?

Sorry that wasn’t funny.

Anyways, Liam, you are and will always be my best friend. Danny and Ziggy, they are my best friends too but they don’t get me like you do. I don’t think I will ever meet anybody like you. Someone I can trust, someone I can spill my guts out too but it felt like I said nothing because that is how easy it is with you.

Huh, maybe I could be a poet. 

Um, so, thank you for telling me. So what do we do now. You are gone and I am still in Miami. Are we going to feel far apart? I am not used to you being so far away from me. We were literally attached to the hip, anybody could notice, so what am I supposed to do without you? We like each other but I can’t even hold your hand to comfort you? I wish we weren’t apart.

You bring out the poetic side of me, this is weird. 

I should’ve told you sooner. I really should have.

I feel empty. Is that normal? This should feel good now that I know you actually like me back but I don’t. I know this isn’t the end of the world. We can still call, text, facetime, whatever but it isn’t like the real thing and I guess that is what makes me empty. 

You know when I should have told you? That night on the tennis court when we snuck out at 3am and ended up sitting for most of just bouncing the ball back and forth. You sat in the silver moonlight and forgive me if I am making no sense but, you looked like literal perfection. God what am I saying? I wanted to hug you or kiss you and I didn’t know how to feel because I have never felt that was about Monyca and it scared the shit out of me, dude. Maybe if I wasn’t a coward then we wouldn’t have to deal with this now.  
Ok wait, we would still have to deal with a goodbye. Goodbyes, I hate them. They ruin everything and they are hard to forget. I want to pretend you are here by my side and that night at the tennis court was when I told you and not with a pen and paper because my printer broke and my mom refuses to let me use hers at the office since we jammed it the last time when printing out funny pictures to hide in Danny and Ziggy’s backpack. I hope you can even read this through my horrible handwriting. I’m trying my best, by the way.

Liam, please call me. I miss you and yes, I think we should talk and yes, I will listen. I promise. You can trust me.

Love, Bobby


	3. My Letter of Love Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam talks about love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo i kinda like this chapter (this is not edited btw)

Dear Bobby,

Thank you for calling. It meant a lot to hear your voice. It meant a lot that you even called me in the first place. I got your letter.

We didn’t really talk about much since we got off topic really fast but I am here to answer some questions. 

I don’t know what to do either. I have had one relationship before and getting into and getting out of it came with a lot of hesitance and fears. I don’t know if we should even start something or be something. Yet, at least. What do you think?

How did it feel when you got together with Monyca? Wait, do you even like girls or do you not know yet? No judging, I am here to help. I am just curious as to what it is supposed to feel like or did it not feel right at all? Did we both get stuck in relationships that just… didn’t feel right?

When we were younger, you would look at your parents and just want to see the best in them together and expect such a great love story for you too. Fairytales show true love but there is always magic involved. Magic, dude, fucking magic. I cannot be the prince charming that my parents expect me to be. That’s my brothers, I guess. They somehow all got their magical love story without showing me the magic. I want to see it, dude.

Sometimes, I wish I was a character in a storybook because I would get that story. I would be the stable boy turned prince charming and save the princess, or prince, or whoever but I would just be there and be with them and tell them it is okay. 

Is this too depressing? I’m sorry. I don’t tend to ramble and here I am, rambling on a piece of paper. Is that normal? God, I am beginning to sound like you. That is not a bad thing, please do not take that the wrong way. I need to stop talking.

What is your dream love story? Have you ever thought of it?

Mine is simple, actually. We just grow. My love story is that me and this person grow up together and there is no magic at all. I don’t know why stories always made us believe in magic. I don’t see my fairy godmother or whatever, where is she? I don’t need magic to love and like and be me and I just wish we would stop being told that Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella for who she was when he actually fell in love with her when she was a “princess.” Maybe he realized her personality but you tell me if Cinderella walked into that ball in rags that he would still dance with her. Why do I need to change myself?

God, I’m tired. Like I feel like I am about to pass out on this piece of paper. Maybe this is a sign I need to go. I hope I don’t leave a glass slipper on my way out. Get it? That was not funny. I am so sorry.

Get some rest, bro. Text me when you get this.

Love, Liam (P.s. I wish you a magical night)


	4. My Letter of Scary Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby is afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowkey love this fic what do yall think<3

Dear Liam,

Is this our thing now? Letters? At least it doesn’t take that long to receive them. I don’t think I could wait that long for them.

You have a lot on your mind. Imagine being able to say what you feel, I clearly cannot relate. 

The thing about magic, I agree. My mom always read Elena and I these fantasy stories that I let myself believe because I just wanted to believe in something. I haven’t actually thought about what I wanted like you.

Liam, I don’t think I am ready either if I am being honest. I didn’t like Monyca like that at all and I don’t know. Maybe I don’t like girls. I am still trying to figure things out, y’know, the journey and all. It sucks. Speaking of magic, is there some spell that can fast forward the journey for me because this? All of it is confusing and I do not think I am ready for any of it.

Why do people need to be in relationships to establish that they have feelings for each other? Labels are confusing. I possibly know who I am but what if I’m not who I think I am? What do I do then? Maybe I do want a label but it isn’t something I would completely notice if I didn’t have yet, y’know. I am the same me, right? I am not going to suddenly start hating tennis if I call myself… gay? I don’t know yet. This sucks, bro. I don’t know how you did it or how you had the courage to keep going after you realized there might be something… new about you? I would say different but I was taught differently. I was taught by my mom’s friend, Camila, you met her. She is the one who saved us from our “impending doom” at the Jupiter tournament and got us fries and you spilled coke in the backseat of her girlfriend’s car. Dude, I am surprised you are still alive. They were so nice to you about it. They would have kicked me out on the curb if I did that.

They love you. I swear they want to adopt you. Camila was really upset about you leaving but I think it was mostly because she really liked that we were talking, that we were friends. She told me I seemed happier and I started to open up more. I guess you were my lucky charm or whatever. 

Camila taught me things as I grew up. She would bring me into her office in her spare time while my mom worked if I was ever there. She used to sit me down and give me a juice box and a bag of animal crackers so I would shut up but she said I could ask questions after she was done talking. She told me why is it that who we love is the one that affects our life the most? It is just love, man. I’m not one to be overly expressive about what I believe because I am mostly afraid of people getting mad. But dude, why is it if I date a boy, there is a chance future coaches might not sign me? That I might have to hide whoever I am to do what I love? I already hid enough and now that I finally see change in my life, why would I go back? I want to sometimes but it started and I cannot stop it. I know that. I may be confused most of the time but I know that. I do.

Liam, thank you. 

Love, Bobby (P.s. I hope you get your love story)


	5. Letter to my Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam thinks things over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo how are yall today?

Dear Bobby,

You were definitely taught right. I wish I grew up with a mentor that wasn’t myself. Camila and Dani are literally perfect for each other and I guess I could fit well as their son. Is it weird that I felt like I could talk to them more than my actual parents?

My parents are cool but they won't understand. I get they will know who I am but they won’t get who I am, they won’t fully understand what I went through. I don’t want new parents but I do want to talk to someone who knows what is ahead of them or has already battled most of it. If I want to defeat a dragon, I might as well talk to a past warrior, you know? I don’t want to rely on people, I want to relate. I want to trade stories and be given advice and give advice. I can tell my parents that I am bisexual but I can’t really talk to them through and about everything, if that makes sense.

Sorry if none of that made any sense, I am kind of speed-writing this so I can make it to the printer and to the mailbox before it gets picked up.

Don’t worry about the labels, on both who you are and us. I am okay with that and I am happy you are comfortable. You will find out who you are and even then, you don’t need to name yourself. You are you, Bobby, and the last time I checked, that is all that matters. Don’t worry about how far along you are and also, don’t worry about the future. Not now, not yet, not ever. If people cannot accept who you are, why should you accept that? Defeat them, Bobby, you are strong and powerful and could probably knock someone out just by hitting a tennis ball at them.

No violence though.

Anyways, how are you man? I get sexuality and self-discovery is important but it is also tiring and I want to help, but you need a break from thinking. There are other days to feel and find but now, relax. Breathe. You shouldn’t have to wait to take a break. 

I have been trying to convince my brothers to play some tennis but they proceeded to call me a loser for playing an “old man sport” but they don’t get it. Varsity football and baseball jocks, not my style. I mean, I like baseball, it just isn’t my thing.

Can I tell you my thing? I am going to tell you anyways. You don’t mind? Asking myself questions are fun. 

I like to craft. Everything. I love, love to draw. I love to draw my dreams. I never really had the worst nightmares but I had them and god knows I cannot use my words that elegantly and I was six when I started so poems that deep didn’t come to mind mostly because I didn’t care enough. So I resorted to drawing. It turned out to be more than just drawing my feelings. It became me drawing because I wanted to. Sometimes, my pieces meant nothing. 

I don’t only draw. My love came in macaroni frames and puzzle piece hearts for mothers day but it is also paper clip earrings and bed sheet curtains. 

Do you have a thing? 

I guess I could call it a hobby but things sound more personal for some reason? Like it is just something between the two of us even though it is obvious to the world around us. A special thing we share and it means more to us than anyone could imagine.

We are us. Bobby and Liam. Liam and Bobby. Who and what we are does not matter because we are us with our special things. Our special thing.

Love, Liam (P.s. im sending two tiny postcards in here so be careful not to lose them<3)


	6. My Letter of Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby has hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates? exactly<3

Dear Liam,

I know what you are thinking. Bobby is probably going to say tennis for his thing. I thought about it, y’know. Might as well. But I thought about it some more and said to myself, “Why the hell not?”

My thing is astronomy. I would say my thing is the stars but that just seems weird. I grew up wishing upon stars because it gave me hope, I guess. That’s how my mom described it to me. She always told me I wished for so many things that I needed, not that I wanted, and some of the things weren’t even something I needed. It was things that our family needed. Call me a dragon slayer, dude. That’s the only label I want right now.

Thank you for telling me to take a break. Instead of smashing my feelings out in tennis balls and eating my amount of stress in fries because you aren’t here to enjoy them with me, I read a book. I read, don’t bully me for never doing it though. I guess I took time to replace my feelings with the main characters. I felt everything. It was like I was actually there, y’know?

I need to read more often.

Do you have any recommendations, artist? Or would you refer me to art books that I won’t be able to follow because I am not as creative as you? Mr. Artist Man. I used to know you as Mr. Server Man. I don’t know. Don’t let Ziggy create nicknames for you. 

Is this why teachers constantly made us dig for answers in old, boring, english literature? Is it because they wanted us to relate to something so we keep reading? I don’t know and I, frankly, do not care. I just want a character like me and there isn’t. Like you said, I am me, Bobby. Bobby who plays tennis and Bobby who likes the stars and Bobby who pretended to be an astronaut for three years while Elena played the alien cyborg that Bobby tried to destroy. Unless I write myself in a book, I don’t fully exist anywhere else. I know that now too. I am learning so much from you, especially how to use my words, apparently. 

Ugh, this is too much writing. My hand is cramping and I have been bribing my mom with the good son act for a week so I could use her printer again. My handwriting gets worse as I keep going and everytime my pen runs out of ink or the ink gets blocked, I throw it at the wall and get yelled at and every bit of new gained trust for the printer gets thrown with the pen too. 

I miss you. You need to come visit, dude. It is summer. I know you just left but before you go back to school and back to your old friends, come say goodbye for real. 

Tennis is boring without you, man. I love it and I love the team but you just made it better. I don’t know, everytime we went and walked together to practice felt like I was floating in a way. No matter how big and confident I am about my abilities, I still feel choked up inside. You made that go away or less noticeable and then it just disappears and I am not afraid anymore. I guess it isn’t just tennis in this case now. 

You give me hope, Liam.

Love, Bobby (P.s. I love the drawings!!)


	7. A Letter to someone who Cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam needs hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... i love it here

Dear Bobby,

Like you said, our letters are our thing. That we do together. I like that.

Those two drawings were made a while ago. I didn’t want the memory of that day in the storage room to leave my mind even though I think that is completely impossible. I think that moment was one of the first days I saw you look peaceful. I don’t know, you always are so tense and I am happy you weren’t. I thought you wouldn’t be so carefree since that tournament meant a lot to you. It meant a lot to me too. But I think our event was more important.

So I hope you are okay that I drew you. It was just a tiny messy sketch I drew with the help of my phone light. 

Is it weird I keep thinking about our knees touching? Like, it was just knees but it felt like we connected in a way. I don’t know, it looked like you felt something too.

I can’t visit for the summer. My parents basically refused and said I need to spend family bonding time with them. We wouldn’t have this problem if they just let me live at home like a normal kid and not be shipped away to live with my grandmother because they couldn’t help me. My brothers are tough and they are mean and they are my brothers. I love them but apparently they are too important and more important.

I’m sorry, dude. I can’t visit during the summer but I’ll see for any other day. 

I wish I didn’t come home. They are acting like they didn’t send me to my grandmothers because they couldn’t control my brothers. It is kinda scary, dude. I always knew I probably wasn’t the favorite child but it hurt. It hurt to be sent away because your parents would rather have the older ones who started the problem praised.

They always overlooked my achievements, you know? I updated them about everything and they just… didn’t care. I don’t know, is it bad to say I think they don’t care about me? 

I shouldn’t. They want to spend time with me. I just wish all they talked wasn’t what my intense brothers did while I was gone. They asked one question about me once I got there and it was, “Why do you look so upset?

How was I going to tell them it was because I didn’t want to go home?

I told them I was tired and I needed to rest. They gave up my room. They made it a study area for my brother who is a senior. I have been sleeping on the couch while they try to “convince” him to give it up. It’s comfortable, but they knew I was coming back.

I agree, tennis is more fun when we play together. You made me feel good about myself. When you told me to try out for the team, I didn’t think I could but then I did and even though it didn’t exactly go the best afterwards, we got there and it felt nice to have someone believe in me, I guess? 

I never had that before. My parents encouraged me to do things but it felt weird. It was almost like they didn’t actually, they just wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. They made me play football growing up, it is fun. Just not my thing and not what I want to do when I grow up. You encouraged me because you thought I was good and you didn’t push, you asked. And thanks to you, I found something that I love also. I thought all I had going for me was art and now it isn’t that case but I love both. I want to do both. They are things that bring me happiness and maybe tennis happiness did include because you were there but I legitimately love it. I never thought I’d feel comfortable with something again. 

But here I am, a boring old hometown and my parents want me to go into football in freshman year. I have no choice. Don’t worry, I’ll somehow still play tennis. For me and for you.

You give me hope too.

Love, Liam (P.s. I like the stars too)


	8. My Letter of Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i lowkey feel good about this fic and what the ending will be<3

Dear Liam,

If I could take you anywhere but your house, I would take you to the stars. We could be just like them. Floating through space. Well not really floating through but you catch my drift. Ha, drift. Drifting through space.

It’s like that David Bowie song. I don’t remember the lyrics but I remember the overall song. 

I am so sorry about your parents and your brothers. I wish you could just stay here, in Miami. Imagine if we lived together. The house would basically be a mess and nothing would get done, I know that. We get distracted really, really easily that it is scary that we managed to even graduate middle school. It would be a lot of fun though. You wouldn’t have to leave and go home and I would have you.

We did have a connection, we definitely did and we still do. I remember the shock I felt but it wasn’t bad. It was like a good-shock if that makes sense. Like if I felt any discomfort in that moment, it was because I didn’t understand it at first. That day, my mom and Camila commented upon my “dreamy” look on my face. I guess I was just staring off into space but they noticed it. That day has never left my mind and all I can think about is how dumb I was for not realizing what I felt sooner.

It sucks that you cannot visit. Please try to after the summer, anything will matter as long as I can see your face in front of mine and beat your ass at tennis once again. You're like my rock. My mom said Sam was like her rock once and she explained to me as someone who you can tell anything to and they won’t break, they will just be there for you and not make you feel worse. I don’t only want emotional support, duh, but I love that I can say anything to you and you will make me feel like that problem never existed even if I didn’t tell you. It is like you have some super power to detect when people feel shitty and I most definitely applaud you for that, really, it is crazy.

I don’t know how I went from feeling like shit to feeling like I could accomplish more? I talked to Monyca the other day. We decided to stay friends after we broke up but we didn’t talk after that day but I wanted to text her. We hung out and it turns out she is incredibly talented at writing poetry. She said she’d teach me. I also found out that she’s been out as pansexual for like… two years and I had no clue. Dude, I think I might tell her about me. Not about us but maybe about how I feel. Camila isn’t the only person that went through this that I now, you and Monyca have been. God, it just feels so unreal? Like whatever I talk about, I could get help with it. I never thought about that and I never thought people cared

Other than that, Danny and Ziggy convinced me to go to a party but to them, it sucked. We left and got ice cream and went over to Ziggy’s house. I told them about my dad. Finally. They comforted me and even apologized about watching that movie. I don’t even remember what it was called because that day is something I don’t ever want to think about.

It was nice to tell people. I just think I miss the way you helped me though. Although I appreciate the sympathy and I am extremely happy that they cared enough, I just wish they didn’t make a huge deal out of it. I know you cared and you check up on me constantly but you don’t over do it.

I remember when we went over to your place that day I told you. I kept feeling your eyes on me like I was going to break any second and I wish I did. I probably would have felt better to get it out, y’know. I cried when he died but I kept all that nasty, gross sadness in my heart for too long, bro. I kept it longer and I know if I sobbed on your purple pillowcase that you wouldn’t care. We watched a musical and usually I hate musicals but for some reason, it made me feel happier. Maybe the way you quietly sang along was a part of that unusual happiness but I was happy that day. I truly was. When I went home, I didn’t think about telling anybody else. I thought about you and the way my day was extremely shitty and depressing and you came along and made it alright. You tore the bandage off and replaced it with a new, clean one. A fresh start to my new list of honesty and actually telling people what I feel. That list begins with you and I don’t know who it will end with but you helped me. You still help me.

Thank you so much. I want to be there for you. I want to help. Your parents are dumb and not parents for treating you like shit. Your grandmother gave you reality and your parents are giving you false hope of what is actually supposed to be like, Liam. They aren’t helping you, they aren’t parents. 

This might be scary but I think you should tell them how you feel just like I am doing. Step up and change your life if they aren’t going to help you and treat you correctly.

Be hopeful for who you are and not who your parents want you to be.

Love, Bobby (P.s. I’ll be looking at the stars tonight)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter: @ENBYSCARTERO


	9. My Letter of Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam wants an escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo what do yall think about that a little later on, it isn't just letters and there is actual scenes or should i just stick to the letters?

Dear Bobby,

I can’t tell them. I tried, I really did but once my mouth opened, that was it. It was either because no words came out or that the words were coming but my brother walked in through the door while we were eating dinner. Even during dinner, all eyes were gone and my eyes were on a picture frame on the fireplace.

It was a family photo, all of us were there. We looked so happy and to think that was only because I would’ve been the odd one out if I looked miserable. I think it was during Easter. I don’t know and I don’t care because the past is the past and I don’t like to think about it.

I’m happy that you are opening up more. You deserve it. Happiness, you deserve that. You have people who care what you have to say so you should say it. I know you and I know you are scared of what people think but no matter what, no matter how many people have something dumb to say, there are always the people that will comfort and help you and talk to you. 

I should talk to Monyca more. I am realizing I have probably never spoken to her even though you guys dated for a while. She seems really cool and someone easy to talk to. I can’t believe I knew she pan before you did though. You would think she would tell you or maybe you are just really bad at paying attention. At least you can most likely tell her now. I would and maybe I should. I don’t want to burden her but I might as well let it out more. I’m more open with my emotions but I guess since I got home, it’s been hard to tell anyone but you.

Also, good on you for telling Danny and Ziggy. That’s brave, you’re brave. You are one of the bravest people I know. Like we said, you give me hope that one day, I can be as brave as you.

Hearing that you wanted to cry that day makes me realize it too. You should’ve. I wouldn’t make fun of you or anything. You are allowed to cry when you want to cry, it is your own way of expressing what you feel. Do you think I didn’t cry when I arrived? Bro, I sobbed hard. At 3am. And I didn’t call you. I guess I didn’t want to burden you with my problems but you found them out anyway. My purple pillowcase is less important than your feelings. Cry whenever you feel like it. Don’t prevent your feelings from releasing, whatever way you can do it. I don’t want you to be like me. Someone who is basically hiding from their parents in every way you can think of because either they will hear what I’m saying but not listen or I’m afraid of speaking to them. Maybe I should though. Maybe they'll send me home. Home to Miami. That is where I want to be, not here. Not in this house with these people. 

I love them, they are my family. But I grew close to you and Elena and your mom and my grandmother and it made me realize that you guys are my family too. It might silly to say my grandmother but I barely talked to her when I lived here and now that I know her, I know that I am so dumb for not telling her about me because dude, she made me feel so accepted by who I am without even knowing who I am. Is that crazy? I just hope she is doing okay.

I don’t even know what to talk about because nothing is happening. I have literally been doing the same thing since I got here and the only good thing are these letters.

I’ll try and visit one day, as quick as I can. It might not be a visit, it might just be an escape.

Love, Liam (P.s. I watched the stars too)


	10. A Letter of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby has a life and he writes about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohemgee sorry for taking long to update, this chapter is not as good as the others but things will start happening even tho.... things have been happening. the events that happen are supposed to be developed through how the boys respond to them and talk about them in the letters and idk if i am doing it well but<3 enjoy!!

Dear Liam,

Sorry this took a while to come! I have been busy. My mom found a tennis team that practices over the summer and she signed me up. All it took was a try out and I made the team. 

I did not tell Monyca. I still don’t know what I am going to tell her, y’know? It is hard to comprehend that my life just changed and now, I don’t know how to put it in words. 

Liam, I am so sorry about your parents. I wish I could do something besides just tell you words. I wish I could speak to them and give them a piece of my mind which probably won’t work but you need somebody in your life who is willing to be in your life. They shouldn’t even be willing, it should be normal for a person to realize when a kid isn’t being treated correctly by their parents and it should be normal for that person to help.

The most I could say is don’t stop trying to talk. Stand your ground, Liam. This is their problem to fix but it is yours to share. You shouldn’t have to worry about how your parents parent you. You may be a teenager but you missed so much of what should’ve happened. You deserve better.

Anything else happen while you have been home? All that has been happening with me is tennis, more tennis, getting sunburnt, more tennis, self discovery… more tennis. I just needed to sit myself and write for once. I have had a long, very long week. My mom was saying things that led me to think she knew about me. I don’t know, she kept making these comments about how I never talk about Monyca anymore and only you. Camila even made a joke about how we were practically dating and I panicked. Perhaps I did lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. I was scared. I don’t like that feeling when you have a secret so big that anything that could be related to it can lead you to think that they know. 

Did that ever happen to you?

I just want to be a normal teenager. Dude, I don’t want to worry if anybody knows my deeper self. It stings. It is like you basically betrayed yourself with your own secret, y’know. Is that what a normal teenager even is? Is it hiding or is it being free under the stress of a textbook? One of the world's greatest mysteries that will never be solved.

After all, people just think I am a guy who likes tennis and a guy who just doesn’t care. They don’t know that I am a guy who likes other guys and likes astronomy and cares a hell of a lot enough about too much. 

Writing all of this down is helping more than I thought it would. I always read that writing what you felt gets it out of your system and now, it is the paper's problem to deal with. It does help. Does it help you as much as it helps me?  
Sorry there wasn’t anything interesting I could speak about. I did not want to bore you with my identity crisis again even if you want to hear, eventually you will get tired of constantly giving the same advice over and over.

I miss you. 

Love, Bobby (P.s. You are the star of your own life. Get it, star? Cause I like stars) (P.s. I like you, in case you forgot)


	11. A Letter of Missing Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam is missing a lot of pieces to his love story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... i am making up for not updating for a while<3

Dear Bobby,

Bold of you to assume I didn’t know about the tennis thing. I literally follow you on Instagram and I saw you and your new uniform. I bet you miss our uniform but you will be in a new and improved one in high school. You looked nice and happy.

What you said about hiding yourself, I agree. It is hard to express ourselves mostly because growing up, we are taught to be someone that we don’t want to be. We were always told to respect our elders when they are the ones trying to change us but then the teachers give us a whole lesson on self love and respect. I don’t understand and never will.

I think you playing tennis isn’t hiding yourself, though. This is something you love and you are good at it and you let yourself be good at it. Although astronomy is your safe place, I feel like tennis is too. I don’t know man, you just look at peace. Please don’t tell me I am pushing anything by saying that. All I was trying to get at is don’t assume everything you do is hiding your true self, although that sounds a bit scary, it is okay to be yourself. In bits and pieces or wholly yourself, it does not matter. Your deep self is like the sun shining in through the clouds.

I think I give up trying to talk to my parents for a bit. They just won’t listen and the family bonding time they mentioned is just them getting me caught up in my brothers many, many… many adventures that were basically the same things to each one of them but it was apparently so interesting to them. Of course I was happy for them but can my parents be happy for me too? Is that selfish to ask?

My dad wants to start football training with me. I don’t even think I am doing it for football and to have them be proud of me. I think I am doing it because I have been longing for this father-son time for a while and it is finally happening.

Maybe I can tell him then. I don’t know. I guess my true colors are still gray and stormy and will be for a while but it doesn’t matter. These letters are like my emotional support and the fact that nobody is seeing them but you is extremely comforting, for some reason. I guess the person I like knows me pretty well, huh? I am still really happy we can be so open yet so close about how we feel. Nobody needs to know because it is just us, for right now, and that is all that matters to me. No matter what we are, we are us and we have our specialities with each other and I guess that's why I am not torn up.

Everything feels so fucked up but at the same time, it just feels like a puzzle with a couple of missing pieces and I am trying to figure what and where they are. I need a reference picture. Can I phone a friend for help? No because you are the only person who actually knows about me and I think that would be unfair if you were the one doing everything for me.

I guess I do feel that way a lot because you know but I cannot help but feel like my parents know something and that is why they are ignoring everything about me except the fact that I am a human being they can talk to. It just feels like you are the one handling my parental issues and my parents are getting a free ride to “pretending like all my sons are perfect” land. You aren’t even here. And it sucks. I want you here or I want to be in Miami with you. 

Nothing else is happening here. It is just me alone with my thoughts and who the hell am I going to find in high school when summer ends. All I have are these letters at this point and they mean so much to me. All I do is think about what I am going to write and what you wrote and what you will respond with and if the letter even got to you in the first place. The last one, I don’t worry about much. They always find you.

You are ready when you are ready to talk, dude. Do not force yourself if you are uncomfortable. If you are ready, I am here to help.

I miss you too.

Love, Liam (P.s. Do you like the stars as much as you like me?) (P.s. That was a joke, I know you like me more<3)


	12. My Letter to Remember my Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby wants to hold on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back baby<3 i had to take a tiny break because i was just really stressed but i will most likely start doing daily updates again!!

Dear Liam,

Thank you for the advice, dude. I know that is basically all we have been trading in these letters but I never had the chance to truly thank you for it. You could write a book and make enough money to move your ass back to Miami. 

Imagine. That would be funny.

Speaking of the future, I have been thinking about it a lot and how much it scares the everlasting shit out of me. You cannot tell the future because you may dream of a happy ending but a happy ending to ourselves might as well be a nightmare to whoever is behind the windows of our control panels.

I would love to be a professional tennis player. Surprise? You were right about tennis and it being a comfort. It is. I am not playing because I want to be like my father, I am playing because I want to be me. I look up to him and he never forced me to play but I still did and who would’ve thought that I would be where I am today. Maybe he never thought his son would have possibly no interest in marrying a girl but honestly, I don’t think he would give a shit.

Wow, I am getting way more comfortable saying that. I never thought that would happen. I don’t know yet. It is just inching closer and closer but at a very gradual pace that I might have achieved my dreams by the time I finally figure everything out. 

What do you want to be when you grow up? Or have you not figured that out yet? I would love to see your art in galleries and even if it is under a pen name or whatever it is called, I would know what piece of work is yours because you would show me first cause I am your favorite. 

I’m kidding. Kind of… not really. 

I am getting inspired by my sister and how planned out her future is. I don’t know how she does it and does not worry about if she is wrong. What if she is wrong? Bro, she once sat me down for three hours and explained to me her whole campaign and the checklist she has to win the election. I wish I acted like I cared but my walls were up and nothing could bring them down. I regret not being a better brother. My dad got along amazing with everyone but Elena and my mom were inseparable just like my dad and I so I wish when he died that I would have stepped up more. I’m working on it. I hope they notice I am trying to be better.

Well, we only have one childhood before endless years of adulthood and many, many… many instances where we wish all we were was a baby again. I wish I was a baby again. That would be fucking sick, bro. 

Anyways, do you ever feel like as we move on, we just lose everything that was close to us? Or maybe feel that it will happen one day. It’ll just slip through our fingers and we wouldn’t even know it. It could be a distant memory or something that is so far away that we just choose not to believe in it anymore. I mean, memories are ours to make extinct, right? It is weird how many things I probably will never think about again.

Where I was getting with that, I just want to hold on to any bit of immaturity I actually have left. Who the fuck said being childish is some sort of prevention of moving on in your life and growing up? I would rather laugh at a dumb joke that was not actually funny instead of not laughing at all.

I do not know where any of this came from. I am currently reading this over because I passed out on the paper at 4am. Thank god my door was locked. I should stop locking my door though if I really am committed to the “perfect picture brother” act. 

I was really going through it if I said something about memories. I have so many. Like now I am remembering that time that we skipped school and your grandmother didn’t care so she drove us out to the movies. We ended seeing such a shitty movie that we ended being the only people there after thirty minutes. Do you remember jumping and dancing on the flat floor in front of the screen. I could see our shadows displayed and holy shit, I felt so much better than I have ever felt in a while actually. Just feeling the moment, I suppose. Being free. I would do anything to relive that moment again because a moment where I feel free is what I meant when I said I was grasping on to any bit of my childhood that could just fall. 

It’s scary to think that we will be old one day. Normal people worry about how they are going to look and I am over here worrying about what I’ll have left. 

Just hold on as tight as humanly possible.

Love, Bobby (P.S. I, perhaps, do like you more)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter!! @ ENBYSCARTERO


	13. My Letter to Adults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam needs to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mhm yep

Dear Bobby,

Do you always get so poetic past midnight or were you just feeling it? From experience, I know when I am the most inspired, it is definitely when I am supposed to be asleep.

You said I could be in a gallery or have a book but honestly, if we just took these letters and sold them for advice to get through everyday struggles, then we would be millionaires. 

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Art is my thing, I don’t know if I want to make a career out of it. What if I lose any interest I had in the first place? I guess I’m just cautious. A brush stroke is a brush stroke to anyone but that brush stroke could mean light and hope. Why would I want to lose that ability to be dictated by older people telling me my art isn’t good enough because it isn’t “traditional?” It isn’t worth it. 

I don’t know, I’m a pretty great chef. Perhaps I can open a restaurant. You would get the best seating and eat for free, I hope you know that. Entertainment provided by… anyone we can hire. It’d be a restaurant where there are so many food types that nobody would be bored with the menu. I don’t know, providing what people want is different than knowing what people want.  
Having that ability to just know somebody is the best feeling in the world.

I have a feeling that I might work with my grandmother. You know she owns that ice cream parlor in Miami. The one we always used to go to after tennis practice? I’m asking you this like you suddenly forgot it but I don’t know, it feels like years ago that we were just walking to it from tennis practice and making bets so we didn't have to pay for our own ice cream. It was just so nice and my grandmother treated everyone so nicely that working there would not be such a huge deal. She tried getting me a job there once but I told her no. I wish I didn’t. Maybe my parents wouldn’t have made me go home. 

I know once high school starts, I have to start looking for something. I don’t know what that something is but I’ll find it. 

I guess that's why I hate growing up. We are fourteen and fifteen and we already have to worry about school but on top of that, we have to look for a job to “prepare” us for the real world. Don’t we already live in the real world? Are we just simulations until we graduate? I never understood why being an adult is more respectful than being a teenager and even then, it is always all work no fun. I hear the things my parents say about my grandmother, you know? They belittle her for not always focusing on her business. Is that what being an adult is like? It is basically high school drama but now we are thirty years old with children and taxes. Just imagine if work existed but could co-exist with just not giving a fuck, it shouldn’t matter. I don’t want to continue worrying even though I shouldn’t have to, you know?

My parents grew up not caring and they said that is why they are so hard on all of us. You would think they’d give us a break, knowing that taking a day to rest isn’t going to guarantee missing anything. When parents and guardians understand that most of the time, extra pressure doesn’t make us work harder then I might pass the ninth grade.

Well, my brother survived their judgement so maybe I will too.

Here is my advice today: don’t let people who think they know better dictate you. You can be who you want to be wherever you and if they can’t accept it, demand it or go somewhere that will or find it. Just be you because out there, in the suspiciously similar real world, there is nobody like you. We aren’t copies of each other because some people bury who they really are. Don’t be one of these people because who you are is who you were destined to be.

Thank you for everything. I don’t know, maybe I need to demand it because I looked for it in Miami and I found what I was looking for.

Love, Liam.


	14. My Letter of Secrets before a Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby has an announcement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm updating again in like thirty minutes<3

Dear Liam,

Fuck judgement. Some people forget that we are literally children, y’know?

That reminds of a time when I was eight and we were taking a math test. This kid next to me asked me for a pencil. We had borders up so he couldn’t see my paper and I couldn’t see his. The teacher heard us and yelled at him in front of the class and when he said that he was just asking for a pencil as kindly as possible, keep in mind, the teacher took at him talking back to her. He got in trouble, in big trouble because who do you think the principal believed? The fifty year old with the smirk of the eight year old boy who was frightened and sobbing on his way out the classroom when he was sent to the office. She gave us this whole lecture how talking back to your boss will get you fired. I guess the teacher is the boss?

Is it weird teachers kinda got nicer as we went up grades? It’s like, they always tell us our behavior won’t be tolerated in middle school but in middle school, some of my teachers didn’t give a fuck. It is like they give us extra work just so they don’t have to do their job.

Besides adults, I have been having a blast with the tennis team. It is mostly everyone from school but still, I’m happy we are all almost back together. It sucks you can’t be here. They all miss you. I miss you but you already know that. I mean, you hear me say that a million times when we call. 

I did something. Well I am close to doing another thing. I told my mom I want to have a family dinner and by family I mean my home family and Sam, Cami, and Dani cause I am going to do something big. I’m going to tell them. I’m going to tell them I might be…. not straight? I don’t know, it isn’t happening for like another two weeks since Cami and Dani are on vacation but I want them there so we are waiting. I have another two weeks to figure it out and even if I don’t, I have to tell them something. My mom was questioning me and why I wanted to have the whole “family” together for one night. I told her I missed the family dinners we used to have.

I wasn’t exactly lying.

When my dad was still alive, we used to have weekly dinners with Cami and Dani and it just felt so homely in a way that I have been missing that touch. So why not? Cami and Dani used to come before they started dating and we kinda watched them evolve to becoming more and every time there was a dinner, someone had an announcement. It was always different and it just made everything nice. I never had anything and now I do so wish me luck. I wish you could be here with me.

I have been visiting your grandmother a lot. I’m constantly going to the parlor and I don’t know if she told you that but seeing as you think I don’t remember, I’m guessing she hasn’t. Don’t worry, I haven’t told her anything we discuss in these letters and anything personal. If I’m being honest, she doesn’t really ask about your personal life, just how you are doing. One day though she did ask how you are doing with your parents and if they are treating you well. Thank god my mom called me and told me she was outside to pick me up because I didn’t know what to say. It looked like she knew your parents were hard and were ignorant and I didn’t want to expose anything but if I lied, I don’t know, I think she would know. She is an amazing woman by the way. She has been giving me ice cream for free and has it pre-made before I get there because I always get the same flavor. 

I understand why you would rather live here than there and not because your parents are hard. Despite the strictness, you would think kids would choose their parents because they have been taught to respect the people who put a roof over your head no matter how they treat you. It takes a lot of guts to admit and break that lie. Having courage and knowing you have courage is such a good feeling and when you get past that feeling that makes you think you are being selfish, it is like an out of body experience. 

Admitting your wrong and admitting that you don’t believe in traditional terms is courage. Fight against the norm, as my sister says. Fight against it. Demand it.

Love, Bobby


	15. A Letter to My Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam's life is now an adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no shame in my updating schedule sometimes *crying emoji*

Dear Bobby, 

I know it is almost over but happy pride month, dude! Even if you don’t know who you are, you are pushing through and I am so proud of you.

I went to the store today and, of course, they had all their pride things out. I was out with one of my brothers because he needed to pick something up for something having to do with football, I really don’t remember and while we were walking through an aisle, I saw this couple. It was two guys and one of them kissed the other one on the cheek.

Dude, I have seen my fair share of weird coming out places in movies and t.v. shows but I did not expect to say it outloud while we were next to bikes in a Walmart.

Braiden, the youngest of my brothers. He is a junior in high school and he is known for looking intimidating but funny. He is popular, has a girlfriend, and has too many groups of friends. I didn’t know if those were the reasons I thought he would pick up one of the bikes with his mega strength and throw it at me or just the fact that I am scared of telling anyone.

He grabbed my shoulder gently and said, “I’m proud of you.” 

And then we turned back to the shelf and it was like a huge weight was just removed but it also felt like nothing changed. The same couple seemed to hear me because they smiled at me when they left. My brother didn’t change his behavior with me, he was still a roughhouser, just like any of my brothers but that is all I wanted. I wanted no different. 

I just pray to the lords above that he doesn’t tell anyone else, not that I think he would but you never know.

Besides, woah. I am so proud of you. That is a big step especially doing it over dinner. You are going to do great, just say what you need and want to say because I know your family is there for you. Again, take your time finding your label and if you even want a label in the first place. No matter what, you are valid. 

I wish I could be there with you. I know that Cami already thought we were together, which we weren’t and we aren’t but I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t matter. Like you said, relationships are relationships, why does a label change that. I don’t know. 

I seem to not know a lot of things nowadays. My dad is now taking me on a trip later this week to meet his old college friends who were all on the football team and he is going to make me watch their game. And then I have to play a game with their sons who tower over me. Like if you took any skyscraper, double it and that is their height. What I don’t know is how to play football. I told you about those practices me and my dad had but I really wasn’t paying attention. I am going to get destroyed out there and if I break my arm, I’m going to have to deal with “I am so sorry you got hurt. Oh my god, are you okay” dad and passive aggressively spoken “If you did this then that wouldn’t have happened” dad. And my mom would just act like the arm isn’t broken and pretend like the cast doesn’t exist. If you don’t see it then it might as well be like nobody else can see it.

What I don’t know is what I am going to do. 

I guess I just wing it. By wing it, I hope I grow wings and fly away. From everything, not just football.

Can you do something for me? The next time you see my grandmother, can you get her phone number and send it to me? I remember before I even moved, my parents didn’t want me talking to her. I don’t know why but whenever she called, my mom put on the fake smiles and would look at us with annoyed eyes and I never saw a problem. One day, she just stopped calling and when I got my first phone, I didn’t have her number. I would constantly ask for it and they never gave it to me.

When I finally tell them everything I felt, I also need to ask why. Why do they not get along with her? Why after all that possible fighting and problems did they send me to her instead of another relative or, you know, handle their own children? My head hurts by trying to put my long ass puzzle. Remember when I said I only have a few missing pieces? Well now I’m on a treasure hunt because there is so much more I need to know. 

When did being a teenager become so confusing and why do we have to worry about family issues because it might literally tear everything apart? I don’t like that tension you get when you can sense something is going to happen and you can’t do anything but then you just deal with it. I don’t want my family to fall apart but I guess it already did.

Hug your family for me. Be happy. I know you can do it.

Love Liam (P.s. sorry I forgot a p.s. last time)


	16. A Letter of Reminders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby wants to remind Liam of something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me realizing im not actually planning and im just going with the flow and then realizing since i want this to be a slow burn that its gonna be really long but i dont want it to reach fifty chapters but it might but i actually might be over exaggerating <3

Dear Liam,

Ooh family mysteries. Your life is now a novel. 

I hope you can figure it out. I hate when our parents keep secrets from us when we are entitled to know about our family history, y’know. Don’t treat us like babies when we grow up every day. We go to school and learn things every day. Why can’t we learn this?

I suck at football so I wouldn’t be the one to give you any advice on how to play. All I can say is be confident even if you fall on your face. Own it, I guess. Remember when you tried out for the tennis team and I kept failing. I let myself soak in that failure and it caused me to do dumb things. Have fun. 

Good on you for coming out. I don’t know if you were ready or maybe you didn’t know you were ready. Still, you did it. And I am so happy that it went well. Do you trust your other siblings will take it as well? I know Elena is going to act well. After all, she has done a lot of research on lgbtq+ and stuff so she is educated. Something about wanting to make everyone feel safe when she is president, I don’t know. At least she knows what she is talking about. Would it be dumb to ask her to lend me one of her twenty five essays about that sort of stuff?

It is cool how people can be so open in public, y’know? It’s like the journey never existed and they just knew in that moment that they were who they are. No assembly and stress required. Does this shit come with a manual or something? How to be not straight 101. Buy a copy today and you’ll get a discount on your next purchase. 

My mom probably has a binder for it. She has a binder for everything. She sat me down for three hours to read me a binder entitled “The Many Dangerous Ways that a Bike Can Harm You” instead of just telling me to wear a helmet, look for passing cars and people and avoid riding in the road. 

I remember I was going to ride to your house and she asked me about a hundred times if I had my helmet and if I put it down for one second, she’d freak and yell at me to clip it around my wrist so I don’t forget it. I guess she is just trying to protect me.

I know your difficult relationship with your parents but you know they want to protect you? It’s what every parent wants for their child. They just want them to be safe. Even if they don’t hug you often, knowing their protection exists is snug. I know you don’t believe it but I don’t think your parents are the type of people to bail on their kids, even if they moved you away. There is always a reason and that doesn’t mean you have to accept their apology and see them any better but isn’t that what you are searching for? The whole reason why you had to leave? You deserve the answers but you don’t owe them acceptance. Parents don’t deserve attention from their kids if they are going to hide the truth. The protection.

However you deal with your parents is your choice. You get to decide and I’ll support you with anything you decide to do because I’m here for you.

Who has protected you in your life?

Love Bobby (P.s. you are strong so keep fighting)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	17. A Letter to Break my Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam opens up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhhhh this is unedited because i wrote this at 4am and it took me like ten minutes<3

Dear Bobby,

Can I be cheesy for a second? You. I think you already knew this answer but seeing as you like when you get attention- kidding by the way- I will explain it to you.

When I first got to Miami, everything felt like a trap. One wrong move and boom, I’m done. I avoided any crack in the sidewalk like a child because I believed in bad luck and I still do. I was restless mostly because I had no idea if the bed I slept in would still be there if I ever had to go back. Everything hurt my head and then I went to school and you came up to me and I don’t know how but the way you smiled gave me every bit of reassurance that I lost on the drive to my almost new forever home. I was drowning and you were the rope that pulled me in and I got a breath of fresh air that told me that I can’t hold onto something I don’t have anymore.

I have gone through that feeling once before. Remember when I mentioned I was in a relationship before. How the process that was seemingly supposed to be awkward was actually just scary? It was with this girl in my class in seventh grade. No wonder I was so emotionally suppressed when it came to meeting new people when moving. She was my best friend. We practically did everything together. I’ve known her almost my whole life at that point. Once we got to middle school, that is when crushes became a big deal. 

Nothing got weird until seventh grade because walking in the hall together felt like walking through quicksand. All eyes on us but instead of the grasping to get us out, they just stared because they cared enough to let us suffocate. 

We kissed. It came out of nowhere but it happened anyway and my whole body felt like jello. I thought that is what was supposed to happen until I went home that night and made the graciously dumbest decision I could have made at that moment. I ignored her the whole day and at the end, she showed up at my door and asked me what was happening. I thought I liked her, dude. I really thought I did. 

We started dating the next day. Everyone kept saying they saw this coming seeing as we were the best of friends. They said this, they said that but they didn’t see what was happening. They just didn’t think that maybe this wasn't right. To me, I thought it was normal because I was a dumb seventh grader who wasted so much time worrying about what others wanted to the point where I played a part that I didn’t rehearse for.

I thought I really liked her and when we started arguing and fighting and ignoring each other, that was it. Just like that. I lost my best friend because I couldn’t just realize what I was actually feeling. Neither of us could hold on for much longer, I guess, but all we did was make it worse by holding it out. 

If I’m being honest, I think that is why I am just not ready. Bobby, I am afraid of losing you. I am not only friends with you for emotional support but I need you. I don’t want to be wrong again and even though I have the gut feeling I’m right, what if I’m not? I can’t hurt you. We are only so young and although I am not worried about that, I don’t want to have a surprise attack. This whole thing I feel for you is so overwhelming but it isn’t scary and I hate myself for being hesitant but maybe this hesitance is just hesitance. 

You wanted to know who protected me before I met you? It was me. I protected myself. After so many bad things, it was me who held everything back with a big, shiny metal wall to prevent any confrontation with tears. This isn’t some sort of empowering statement. It isn’t- it wasn’t healthy and now that all this is coming back to me, I feel myself closing in again and I don't know what to do.

I want to be with you but I need to be a bit selfish. I’m sorry. You do not have to wait for me to make up my mind when I’m ready. I know you and I hope I’m not wrong.

Love Liam (P.s. are you ready for the family dinner)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might start doing some parts that aren't in letter format soon!! expect that and some of the major scenes will probably be actual scenes instead of letters<33


	18. A Letter for my Nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby needs to release some nerves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be a letter and then there will be a written part for the chapter after that!!

Dear Liam,

I understand. I definitely haven’t gone through what you have gone through and I am so sorry you feel like being selfish right now is a bad thing. You are doing this to help yourself and that’s okay. I’m okay waiting for you to be ready because I’m not even ready. 

I don’t know if you will believe me but some things are worth fighting for. Are you sure that a crappy middle school relationship ruined everything or were you too afraid to talk? Liam, remember when I apologized for fighting you at the dance? I didn’t exactly tell you the truth but I still talked to you. When you feel like you lost something, it is okay to keep holding on because some things are worth that. They have that price that’s easy to pay. Talking. Explaining. Apologizing. Hold on to the things you know weren’t meant to fly away.

The dinner is in three days and I have been memorizing this tiny speech that I wrote and hid from Elena so she can’t find it. She knew I asked for this dinner so I also know she is going to scout for answers to know what I have to say. She is always one for spoilers. I think she just cannot handle it if she doesn’t know the most and will be able to tease everyone after an emotional movie she already knew the ending for. 

I am completely, utterly, terrified. I can’t explain why I’m afraid when I know every single person at that dinner table will accept me and take time to educate themselves to make me feel comfortable. You would think knowing that would persuade my anxiety to fuck off but it’s still here. I’ll be surprised if I get one piece of food down without it coming back up. 

My mom is making my favorite: breakfast dinner. I know that sounds really silly for a kind of important dinner but hear me out. When I was a kid, my dad would make the best breakfast dinner after tennis tournaments. All of us would stuff our mouths with literally anything he made. We filled the wine glasses with chocolate milk and he would buy these tiny umbrellas and stick them on the side. He got maple syrup and vanilla ice cream and that’s what would go on our waffles. We wouldn’t even eat at the table. We’d eat in front of the t.v. on the floor in our pajamas. I guess we haven’t done that in a while too. 

This time is different though. Breakfast dinner but at the table with casual clothing and styrofoam cups. It’s not like I care about any of that, all I care is if everyone shows up and listens. 

I’m shaking just thinking about it because now I know time is going to go by real fast and then all of a sudden, I’ll be sitting in front of my family. 

I have been trying to basically act like the same-old Bobby in front of them. Y’know, chill? My mom was already on my ass for asking for the dinner then Elena started getting suspicious for whatever reason. Even Cami has been messaging me and trying to get my secret out of me. She does this with everyone. Huge gossiper and an even bigger bet-maker. She probably has a bet made on what I have to say with my family and the whole office. 

I think you understand I’m nervous. I’ll stop talking about it now. I should go to sleep. 

I’m really proud of you for opening up and trusting me.

Love, Bobby (P.s. have you ever thought of trying to talk to her again?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	19. My Letter of Stuff to Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam feels like letting go is better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is going to be a non-letter part next chapter!

Dear Bobby,

I have been so busy with football and trying to impress my parents that I never caught up with my friends. I don’t know if she still lives here though. I don’t know.

I miss her. No matter what happened between us, I wish it ended better. I mean, she was my best friend. Someone I grew up with and changed with, you know? 

But I don’t know, I think it was better than letting go. I know you believe what you want and that’s okay but sometimes, you need to move on. Maybe I should just move on and focus on what is happening right now. My dad is starting to pay some attention to me, it’s not much, but it’s some. My mom… well my mom just asks me questions about football but again, it’s something.

I don’t mind your nervousness, I promise. It’s okay. Your big moment is coming up, you have every right to be scared or nervous. Vent to me all you want, I’m here for you.

I wish I was invited to the breakfast dinner. Maybe if I ever visit, that’s what we could do. Get breakfast for dinner. Chocolate milk and all. I’ll even help you cook. As I said before, I’m a pretty good cook and from my knowledge of that one time you tried making a sandwich and you almost burnt the house down by toasting bread, you are shit at cooking. I’ll teach you, don’t worry.

Can I be nervous too?

I guess since coming out to my brother, I’ve been on edge. He swore he’ll never tell anybody yet anytime I walk past anyone, I feel like they’re glaring at me and insulting me with their eyes. It hurts and burns my body to the point where I just want to curl up in a ball and hide underneath a blanket forever. How do I know that someone my brother knew happened to be near when I came out? How do I know that person could be gossiping all around and running home and telling their mother the latest news of a Carter’s boy perhaps liking men too? God I just want this to end. I know what I just said is coming from me being paranoid but still. 

Does it ever feel like the walls are caving in and the floors are suddenly harsh waves at sea? You are at a point where you can’t do anything. You either drown or get crushed. 

I guess what I am saying is you can’t avoid the unavoidable, as much as you want to. 

That isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes, it is. When you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. But sometimes you don’t know when you are ready. I guess anxiety plagues us so much that we just never know what it feels like to be comfortable. 

I’m not comfortable in my own home, Bobby. How is that supposed to make me feel? I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel the protection I deserve. I know I deserve it. I wouldn’t be trying to change myself to make my parents happy if I didn’t deserve it. But at the same time, my parents have never done anything to make me believe they hate me. After all, I’m the one who can’t just stand up and say it. Say it. Say, “Hey mom, hey dad, hey brothers, I don’t like football and I’m actually bisexual.”

At the dinner, do what you do best. Stand up and say it. You deserve to feel comfort and actually know it.

Love, Liam (P.s. also, Bobby, what did you mean you lied to me?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	20. My Life of Mended Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby finds himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are yall ready<3 sorry if there is any typos

Bobby fiddled with his hair for the tenth time while looking in the mirror. The infamous mirror that heard many, many embarrassing talks and hypes about whatever the hell was happening in his life. He looked like Bobby. Dull red polo and khaki jeans and random tennis shoes he had lying around his room. He needed to act like this dinner wasn’t about to change his life but his eyes shone differently in the glass. He saw the shaking and the whole “not-chill” vibe about everything. How is he supposed to be chill?

“Bobby.” Elena’s voice brought him out of the trance. “Cami is here!”

As if on cue, he heard loud giggling from both his mother and Cami. 

“I’ll be right out.” Elena’s sneakers skipped away from the door and Bobby turned to the mirror once more. His hands gripped the edge of the sink as he leaned in a bit to get a closer look at something. He didn’t know what. Every feature on his skin was his and yet, he couldn’t just find the words that he was perfectly capable of saying. The speech he prepared laid wrinkled underneath his pillow after Bobby gave up on perfect and settled on just saying the words. The words. Those words…

“Bobby, dinner is ready!” His mom shouted from the kitchen. A deep breath in and a sharp exhale. 

He had to basically drag his feet behind him but somehow have the same charm he usually has. Cami sees him first and practically squeezes the living hell out of him. Bobby wishes the anxiety went with it too.

“I’ve missed you! We have a lot to catch up on-”

“Which is what this dinner is for, Camila.” Gabi looked up from the island and made eye contact with her. 

“Family dinners are always so exciting and the fact that you guys consider me a part of your family? I am truly honored, you know, I am really-”

“Cami?” She had her hands on Bobby’s shoulders which was basically holding him in place. He was used to this with Cami. She loves affection and loves giving people affection. It’s one of her best qualities although she literally has the best personality a human could ask for. 

“Hmm?”

“You’re scaring the poor boy. You’re acting like you haven’t seen him in years.” Dani cut in and gently pried her hands off Bobby and walked Cami over to their seats.

“It is basically a family reunion except smaller and less homophobic relatives.” Bobby’s heart sped up a bit. There is absolutely no way anybody sitting at that table will do anything to harm him because of this but there is still that spark of terror that the rest of his family, his relatives, aren’t going to act the same. He didn’t think about that until now.

“Hey, Bobby. Are you okay?” Suddenly everyone was looking at him and he felt like he was shriveling. 

“Y-yeah, just tired.” He shrugged it off with a lie.

“Okay, just don’t fall asleep on your plate. That happens too many times a week.” Gabi smiled at him as she passed, quickly dropping a kiss to his hair. 

“Yeah, waffles are fluffy like pillows but they’re not for sleep.” Elena let out a forced giggle at Sam to prevent things from getting awkward but it seems like everything already is.

“Now sit down, Bobby.” Gabi waved her hand at his empty chair. “You must be starving, you skipped breakfast.”

“And lunch.” Elena added. Bobby rolled his eyes and looked at his lap. 

Gabi passed out the plates and allowed everyone to grab what they wanted. The glasses of milk were given out and Bobby didn’t even touch his fork. 

“Eat up, Bobby. I don’t want you passing out.” He mentally sighed and picked at his waffles. They smelled amazing. His mom was always an amazing cook.

Soon enough, conversation started between everyone at the table. Sometimes Bobby would provide a comment here or there but nothing serious. Nothing like what he was supposed to say. What he wanted to say. 

“-and he spilled it all over his pants. Never again am I conducting meetings with interns.”

“It was an unauthorized meeting, Cami. I was supposed to do it.” Cami smirked and looked at Gabi.

“Well, I’m sorry you were making out with your-”

“Bobby, cariño, didn’t you have an announcement to make?” His head started to hurt more than it already was. This was it. He could just say no and that he missed his family but nobody would believe him. 

“Uh… yeah.” She nodded her head at him to continue.

All eyes were on him. No more forks scraping their plates or hands reaching for food. Everything seemed to stop and revolved around him. He was the sun.

Elena seemed to eye him with curiosity; something she has been filled with since she was born. He remembers the interrogation that almost happened when he came home from the Jupiter tournament. What happened? Who won? Why are you smiling so wide? That night, she walked in on him staring at the tennis ball. She looked at him with a weird face.

“What are you doing?”

“None of your business.” He didn’t say it with his normal harshness. It was like… a joke? She noticed, she notices everything. 

“Okay? I’ll let you do… whatever you were doing. Goodnight!” Before she closed the door, she looked at Bobby once more and realized something. He looked fond. Like something special just happened to him. She softly smiled and walked to her room.

Gabi seemed concerned. She was always one to worry, as Bobby said. She has endless amounts of checklists and to-do lists and plays this endless game of memory with herself. Maybe this is where he gets his anxiety from.

“Cariño, would you please stop shoveling food in your mouth. You can choke.” He looked up from his plate of eggs and sighed,

“Mom, I would have been leaving for Liam’s right now if you didn’t make me eat.” 

“You need to eat to survive, Bobby.” He rolled his eyes and took smaller bites.

“Whatever.”

“Now hurry up or you're going to be late.”

Camila was leaning forward knowing whatever he was going to say was going to be a blessing. She always had hope, for everyone, and showed it in many, many ways. There was a tiny moment in the car during spring break. Cami heard about the infamous fight between Liam and Bobby.

“You know, Bobby, I think you should talk to him.” 

“With what? A megaphone? I’m not allowed out of the house for anything. You’re lucky my mom let me go out to eat with you.” He stared at the window and watched the trees pass. It is better than being told something he has been thinking about for days.

“All I’m saying is, don’t give up on him, Bobby.”

“I-” She was looking at him through the rear view mirror, “I won’t.”

Dani was looking at him carefully. She is always careful and caring with what says or does. Bobby sees that in her when she is always asking if he is okay and making sure he is always up to what he is doing. Making sure he isn’t hurt. 

“I hope you got here safe.” It was pouring outside and Bobby had to ride his bike home from tennis. His mom told him just to ride to Cami’s since it was closer.

“I’m good, just soaking wet.” 

“I’ll get you a towel and some dry clothes. Do you want some hot chocolate? Or tea? Or just anything warm, I’ll grab it for you.” Dani was like his second mom sometimes.

“Do you have soup?”

“Chicken noodle or tomato?”

“Chicken noodle soup, thank you.” She nodded and threw a towel at him.

“No problem, and hey, we can have hot chocolate later when Cami gets home from work.” She disappeared into the bedroom and he looked at his once light blue sneakers now turned navy.

“Chill.”

Then he looked at Sam. Sam. For the amount of times he woke up to Sam being in the kitchen and coming home to him being on the couch, he could be his… father. No, no, no this isn’t how it’s supposed to happen.

Does it ever feel like the walls are caving in and the floors are suddenly harsh waves at sea?

Roberto, Bobby’s father, held his son's hand as they walked to the arena. Bobby was wearing a jersey and baseball cap that was way too big for him but he didn’t seem to mind. They were going to see a baseball game, Bobby’s first real life baseball game. He was six.

“Are you excited?” Bobby nodded enthusiastically. 

“Are we able to get cotton candy?”

“And hot dogs, and candy, and all the soda you want.” Bobby was skipping with no care in the world. Why should he worry? He is only six and wants to enjoy a game with his father.

“I wonder if they have skittles.” Roberto chuckled.

“I’m sure they do.”

Bobby felt light headed as Sam’s eyes were the only eyes he could see. He knew now. Sam was here to stay.

You are at a point where you can’t do anything.

“I’m going to kick your butt.” Bobby is now ten and him and his father were on a tennis court. 

“I’m sure you are.” As Roberto was about to serve the ball, thunder went off. “Crap.”

“Does this mean we have to go home?” Bobby would play through any weather to play with his father. He is becoming busier and busier each day and they finally were able to play together again today.

“I’m sorry, Bobby.” He took notice of the sad look on his son's face. “How about we go get fries and some ice cream? Is that chill?”

“Chill?”

“Chill means something that is cool or okay, you know?”

“That’s… chill.” He smiled at his father and walked over to the bench. “Now let’s go. I’m hungry.”

This was not supposed to happen. His father would be sitting next to him, smiling and edging him on to talk but being concerned for what will be said. But Sam was there. He had nothing against Sam though. This shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. 

Sam is there for him.

“I-I…”

You either drown or get crushed.

He can’t do this.

“I have to go.” And he bolted. His bike was parked by the mailbox and he climbed on it, ignoring the real voices yelping for him to come back. He just sped off and listened to the voices crowding his mind. He was scared and shaking and sweating.

He rode to the one place with a meaning at this point.

The tennis court.

The tennis court he made countless amounts of cheers of victory or fake cries of failure with his father laughing by him. Where he learned how to serve, how to hit, how to play. Where he learned he was actually good at tennis. Where he and Liam played after school when the courts at the school closed. Where when it rained, they sped towards Liam’s grandma’s parlor. Where Bobby grew and changed and learned and played. Where he learned that not everything is permanent.

He can hear his voice cracking giggles when he was ten and watched his dad dive to hit a ball he managed to hit perfectly. The many talks and jokes made with Liam that just came perfectly to them but also made no sense. It was all there.

As soon as he rode onto the court, he jumped off his bike and ran to the bleachers. He didn’t even notice he was crying. He barely cries. It’s crazy how much one thing can change everything and Bobby didn’t want his life to change. He didn’t want his family to treat him differently, he didn’t want the school to see him differently, he didn’t want Sam to be something different to him. But you can’t avoid the unavoidable, like Liam said. Of course Liam is always right and always infecting his mind.

-

“Gabi, where are we going?” After Bobby sped off, Gabi thought it would be better to get everybody in the car and drive after him. She knows he needs his space, everyone does but now this is serious. Now she needs to be the mother that Bobby knows and loves.

“To go find Bobby. Everyone strapped in?” She looked at Sam next to her. He was squeezing her hand. Everyone replied with a nod or a yes so she began to drive. 

She knew where he went. He always ran off here if it ever came to that. She remembers this one time he said he was running away and she freaked but Roberto was calm. He was laughing and telling her that she needs to calm down because he knew where he went.

Roberto and Bobby made a promise. If you are ever lost, make your way back there.

“Hey.” Sam nudged her while the other talked to try and get their mind off of it. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, he is okay.”

“I think I set him off, Gab. He looked at me weirdly.” She breathed in.

“He was very close to his father. I don’t think it was you, I think it was… the memory, the feeling of him.” He didn’t seem reassured.

“Does he think I’m trying to replace his father? I don’t want him to feel like that.”

“It’ll happen, you know? They can’t just automatically move on. I think he knows you’re not replacing him but he just doesn’t want to feel that.”

“Why?”

“Because, he doesn’t want to feel the guilt that can come. Letting you into his life will make him feel like he is replacing his father which leads to him thinking he let go of his father.” Sam reached out and rubbed her shoulder.

“Thank you.” She nodded.

“He wanted you here. Don’t think he doesn’t like you, it’s just discovery. Life is one big treasure hunt, as they say.”

“Who says that?”

“I don’t know.” They both laughed lightly. “I love you and I’m so happy you care.”

“I love you too.” 

“Sorry to break up this little moment, lovebirds, but Gabi?” Cami asked.

“Mhm?”

“How do you know where Bobby went?” She saw the tennis court come closer.

“Because I’m his mother.”

-

Bobby laid across the bleachers and stared at the stars. His face was now blank as he thought over what he did over and over again.

Sam looked so concerned. It felt too real. 

If his mom didn’t ask what he had to say, he probably wouldn’t have said anything. He wanted to. The words were at the tip of his tongue, he could taste them. It was bitter and the fact that he made Sam look like that, the way he made Sam sound like the villain when he has done nothing but been there for his family, that was bitter.

He wanted to scream, sob, laugh at his mood. He knows the next time he rides past this tennis court, he’ll feel the shine of embarrassment and guilt and every pouring feeling that rained on him tonight and then he’d leave. He wouldn’t be able to hit another ball or run away because he is lost and now he is even more lost here. This was the place where he found something.

“Bobby!” His head lifted up and his mom was running towards him frantically. “Oh my god, honey, are you okay?”

Seeing his mom so worried is slowly breaking his heart.

“Y-yeah, I’m okay.” 

“Let’s get you-”

“Bobby!” He looked behind his mom and everyone was here. ALl running towards him, Gabi turned around too.

Seeing everyone should have made him scared.

“I told you all to stay in the car.” 

“We can’t stay in the car when he is here crying, Gabi.”

“I don’t want to overwhelm him.”

It made him feel more safe and that’s what broke him. That’s what started the sobbing and the heavy breathing. Having everyone there for him, caring for him.

Gabi pulled him into a hug and held his head gently. Everyone huddled around them and did something. Whispered sweet words, held his hand, rubbed his arm and shoulders. They cared. This was it.

“Mom-”

“Shh, you’re okay.” 

“Mom.” He still sounded fragile.

“Gabs, I think he’s trying to tell you something.” Cami whispered. Bobby lifted his head up slowly and looked at her. He looked at everyone again. Nothing.

“What is it, cariño? You can tell me, us, anything.” He breathed in, a sharp exhale.

“Mom.” She nodded. 

This was the place where he found himself. 

“Mom, I’m gay.” Nobody flinched at his words. The breathing of everyone was so loud and his own voice was so loud and everything was so loud. He did it.

“Bobby, I am so proud of you.” She whispered back. He was pulled back into a hug with crying family members and smiles. It was over.

These hugs felt so protected and so warm. He felt warm and his heart felt big although he was shaking. 

It is basically a family reunion except smaller and less homophobic relatives. He laughed at Cami’s words from earlier, that is basically what this was.

“Coming outs aside, I’m hungry. Fries and ice cream, everyone?” They all laughed.

“Chill.” He responded with a slight chuckle, wiping under his eyes. As Cami and Dani made a head start for the car and the rest ran after them, Sam stayed behind and helped Bobby off the bleachers.

“Bobby?” He looked at Sam with big eyes. “I want you to know that I care about you, I care about your whole family but I promise, I’m not trying-”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“Thank you.” Sam smiled at Bobby. “It took me awhile to get there but I know.”

That seemed to be the end of it so they walked to the car.

Bobby managed to come here lost but like his dad said, this was the place to come to when you're lost and you’ll always be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	21. My Letter to Face my Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby wants to apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this fic will be 45 chapters and i know that's long but it is only so i don't rush anything and most chapters are short so it shouldn't be that bad to get through!! i hope u enjoy<33

Dear Liam,

Dude, I did it! It took awhile to get to the words but I told them. I told them I’m gay and they all hugged me and supported me. I mean, I knew they would but god, it felt good.

I told them on the tennis court that we play at. I almost told them at dinner but I started overthinking. Remember what you said about walls and floors and drowning and all that? That’s where I felt it. I looked at Sam and not seeing my father sitting there hearing me made me run. Literally run. I got on my bike and rode to the courts.

I guess the court has a double meaning or more than double, I don’t know. Double has a better ring to it.

That court has been a part of my life for so long. When I was a kid, like I was literally five, my dad would bring me to the court and play tennis with his friends while I watched. I guess that’s where I fell in love with the sport. He taught me the basics and two years later, I was holding a racquet and practicing serves while my dad cheered me on. My dad was there for everything. I remember seeing us going to my first baseball game when I was six. He held my hand to the arena and put me on his shoulders when the top of his head was on the big screen. As a kid, that whole experience is what motivated me to play tennis because I knew my dad would be there to hold my hand and hoist me up when I needed it.

When the court just became a memory of him, I gravitated away from it until I met you. It was then our court. Liam and Bobby, Bobby and Liam, it was just us playing tennis and being the dumbasses we are. Still, I could see him leaning up against the fence, laughing whenever I showed off or clapping whenever I did something right. There was so much guilt because I felt like I was trying to replace him even though I always tried to prevent myself from getting in situations where the replacement would be permanent. 

I guess this is where I found out that a place doesn’t need one meaning to be significant.

Once you finally drop the mindset that life needs to always be taken seriously then you realize how many important things are in your life. Do you really think I planned to be at that tennis court with my family, crying because I just told them I was gay? I had no idea I would even be able to say it but I did. 

Speaking of that, this kind of explains the lie. Before the dance, I had to get my haircut and the hairdresser kept talking about someone special. Am I doing this for someone special? He asked me if I wanted to look good for somebody and I guess I didn’t realize it was for you until you complimented my hair. 

Seeing you at the dance, dancing with Jada, it made me feel jealous. I guess that kind of started to add up. But it also made me feel dumb that I ever felt like I could climb out of my tiny box and try something new. Let myself feel something new. I was adventurous and that backfired. But that shouldn’t have provoked me to start anything. You didn’t deserve that, at all. How could I think of tennis when all I could think about is you? If you were okay, if you hated me, and just you in general. I was going to tell you that I liked you that day we talked but I chickened and said tennis. Not going to lie though, how did you believe me? I barely made it believable at all. 

I’m sorry. I really, truly, am. You trusted me and I broke that trust twice in a span of a month. 

I can’t imagine me saying what I felt and I wish I could but I don’t think I was ready but it wasn’t and still isn’t fair for you not knowing the truth. 

I hope you are okay and I hope maybe you could forgive me but I understand if you don’t want to or need time. I’ll wait, like I said, or I won’t and I’ll leave you alone.

Love, Bobby (P.s. thank you for supporting me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	22. A Letter of Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam wants to feel something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update<3 also im working on a playlist for this fic!!

Dear Bobby,

Dude, I’m not mad at you. If I’m being honest, how am I supposed to be mad at you if we are literally both going through accepting ourselves? I’m a little upset that you lied to me but I still want to talk to you. Just because of that? We are still us. Nothing has changed since the letters started, okay? Don’t worry, I’m here for you and will always be.

You did it! I’m so proud of you and how far you have come since forever. No matter who you are and what label you have or don’t have, you are Bobby Cañero-Reed. You are gay but that doesn’t take away anything from you. Your chillness and incredible tennis playing abilities are still intact. I know I’m pretty sure I have said this before but you need to be reminded that you are amazing. 

You are amazing for being so open with your family. In a state of vulnerability in a place that exerts it, you did something incredibly brave. That takes guts to do that in a place you have such a connection to, you know? It’s also scary when it’s with someone you have that bond with.

I wish I had that bond with my family. I know I say this a lot but I can’t help feeling like they don’t care about me. 

My dad took me to a baseball game once. It wasn’t my first but he took me alone. He was so happy and I was happy he was happy. I think that was a time I felt something with him that wasn’t forced. I’m into sports, it’s not about that. I think it's about differing hobbies and likes and dislikes and I’m not kidding when I say, I would change some of those of my own to make him proud. 

We talked the whole way home and it was different and I wish I could go back to that moment. 

It’s weird how that never happened again. You know when you do this thing you have never done before and it feels exhilarating? Like nothing will stop you from being on top of the world and feeling free in that moment. But when you want to do it again, there is always something in the way and if you ever get to do it again, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. That is exactly the situation.

I don’t have a special place connected to them. Every street I walk and every store I shop at and soon enough, the school that I am taught at will only know me as the youngest brother of Peter Carter. 

Peter is my oldest brother and very well known in my town. He was the quarterback and was one of a couple of the smartest kids to leave this town. All the teachers know him and all the teachers know my family but we aren’t anything but the family that Peter belongs to. I guess that’s why leaving was so refreshing in a way. I wasn’t known for my family in Miami meaning I could make a name for myself and my brothers won't have anything to do with it. 

I love Peter, I love all my brothers and me being pushed to the side isn’t their fault. I’m not going to tell them to stop succeeding because I can’t seem to impress my own parents with my own abilities. 

Is there a way a finger painting can bring a family together? My art is something I love and knowing my parents and how they want us to go far, it’ll only be belittled to something that’ll get you twenty dollars if you tried hard enough. 

Do you have any other special places? I need inspiration.

Love, Liam (P.s. I will always be proud of you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	23. A Letter to Reach a Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby wants to help Liam find a connection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this might be the only update today but idk there was also be another non letter part coming soon!!

Dear Liam, 

Well special connections come from anywhere.

There was a moment between Sam and I and not when I came out. It was when I texted you about talking. He helped me and I guess I felt something there, y’know?

I told my mom something that night. Something about old gills, old oxygen, new gills, new oxygen. I told her that Sam wasn’t replacing my dad and that I needed both. I called him my dad, Sam. In the mix of Summer starting and the thought of a new school and new people, it made me think. I guess I was just afraid of being so confident in that time, saying something that might have just replaced my memory of him. Sam is here and he is… someone to me and maybe he will be my father. I had a father and I still do. Old gills, old oxygen. Sam loves my mother and I love him. New gills, new oxygen.

I also felt it on the court. He stayed behind while everyone ran to the car. He didn’t even have to speak for me to know that he was going to apologize. For what? He thought I thought he was replacing my father. I told him I know. I know he felt sorry for me, I know he wanted me to think of him as Sam, I know he wanted me to know he wasn’t replacing anybody. I knew and I’ve known for a while but I guess I just forgot. I was scared and being scared sucks. It’s so weird how you can be so confident in yourself one day and the next, it’s like it never happened. What would the world be like if everyone never lost that confidence?

It’d be crazy. I think it depends. How much does confidence get to you? 

If I could say anything in the world, I guess I’d scream how I feel. Everything. Do you ever feel that way? Like you want to just scream but hands were holding your throat shut? It’s those times where they have pity and decide to let go.

Don’t let these invisible humans drag you to darkness. A happy place is anywhere. It can be literally anywhere, even with someone. You know how in books or cliche movies they call a character their home? That’s what I mean. That is a connection.

Home is a place where you should feel safe and comfortable and like you belong there. Home is the place you can say what you want and feel what you want without shame or guilt that it might be wrong. Home is a place but it can also be a person but it can also be a thing.

My advice for finding your connection: keep looking for a physical place but don’t work yourself up over that. First of all, don’t only look for places. Second, connections can come out of nowhere. Let it happen if it happens. 

I promise, it’ll all be worth it. 

I think about those soulmate theories alot like the one where they are attached by a red string. Maybe these red strings are everywhere and it’s not only soulmates. It attracts and pulls everything good to you. It connects to the one thing we all need. Hope. 

Find your hope but I know you have some in you. Have hope that your past still exists and all the good things that happened aren’t erased because of the bad things. You don't need to hold onto the bad things but what's the use of growing up if we just let go of our childhood now? 

If you need inspiration, may I suggest finding something you hold near and dear to your heart?

Love, Bobby (P.s. Also, in case you needed to know, you are one of my special connections)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	24. My Letter of Barriers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam is slowly building barriers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THIS SUCKED ITS SO SHORT I JUST WANTED TO GET ANOTHER CHAPTER OUT<3

Dear Bobby,

Thank you for the advice, really, but I need to handle the past on my own. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault that I’m stressed. I’ve just been overthinking things and I guess it’s starting to slip from my grasp but don’t worry. I got it covered, I promise.

I just need to talk about something other than the past and all of that.

The dads my father plays football with are strange. Strange as in they are all basically carbon copies of my dad. They all know what to say and do and every move has to be completed with a loud chant either from disappointment or triumph. They work their kids to the bone and yet, all those kids are anything but bone. Their fucking muscles don’t look normal on a 15 year old’s body. 

I don’t get along with the kids. They are all rich and have that sophisticated tone even when they are talking about something that doesn’t add up. They look down upon me, and literally look down upon me, as if I’m a baby. I’ve been shoved and tripped, either on purpose or on accident. But I guess I’m not the only one, you know, it is football. Everyone is getting hurt.

But you know, I’m making my dad somewhat happy. He seems to look excited every time we are on our way to practice and I don’t even know if I did that but I don’t care. We actually kind of started talking in the car and he even asked me to do runs with him. I guess it’s getting better.

I honestly wish Braiden was at practice with me though. I know he isn’t a freshman like the rest of us but still, just him sitting there would make me a bit comfortable because of him knowing. Having someone in my family knowing made me a little more safer. Again, I have nothing against my brothers. They are cool and supportive. I wasn’t ready for Braiden to know but he knows and he hasn’t changed. But I think how I act around him changed if I’m being honest. Him knowing my secret is comforting yet scary. Like we share… the connection. Huh? Isn’t that weird?

How did I manage to get myself into that? I basically set myself up with that one. I never thought that maybe that connection is found in something that practically drove me away. We never shared interests, not even football. 

I suck at football, dude. It sucks. It has so many rules and very confusing field positions and positions in general. The game is boring and intense and I would much rather be playing tennis right now.

I guess the tennis court is my special connection too. I mean, it is where I discovered a lot of things, especially what I felt about you. I mean, where else would I discover my love for such a sport. 

I’m so sorry if this letter makes no sense and is so short. I’m just really tired and it’s late and I can’t focus. I’m sorry. 

Well if I learned anything this week, I guess there is always something original happening. A fresh start. Maybe this overthinking will be my awakening. A new beginning.

Love, Liam (P.s. You are mine too)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	25. A Letter for New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby finally feels his new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't updated in a while!! i need a bit more time to write since i'm trying to take in account everything that has happened so far and i don't want to forget anything. also, i just needed to take a break from this fic for a bit but i'm back!

Dear Liam,

School has been sucking so far. I haven’t been doing the best in school and I have met some of the varsity tennis team since most of them are set for the entirety of high school. Dude, they are fucking terrifying. I think the kids from your football games transferred to my school and apparently it’s normal to have full-grown beards now but it’s still surprising to me. 

How has school been for you? I know since all that time has passed since the start that we haven’t been able to express anything since we agreed on the “express the feelings in letters only” rule. I guess I just missed this so if you cannot return a letter, at least tell me in text.

Geez, we act like we barely talk outside the paper. It’s funny. Or not? I don’t want to seem like two different people if that’s what I seem like. Paper or phone, it’s no different. I think it’s nice that we preserve something for us, y’know? Everyone has a thing and this is ours. 

Since coming out, Sam has been getting me to do more with him.

This was what I was afraid of, y’know? I didn’t want him to treat me any differently and the only time we actually spent time together was two pep talks that were like five minutes long but they really did help me in the long run if I’m being honest. 

I guess this newfound confidence gave me the courage to tell him what I felt but what he told me changed my entire perspective of everything I was afraid of. 

We were eating hot dogs after we saw a movie and I guess I just let it out. I loved spending him and surprisingly, when you give his jokes a chance some of them are actually funny. But it felt fake but I don’t know. He told me the reason why he started spending all this time with me is because he felt he missed it. He missed what? I was so confused.

He admitted that he was basically like a father to me and he was technically right, I don't know what's happening with him and my mother and if they are ever going to get married but all I know is he has been nothing but caring to our family. That’s all I need. He told me that he was trying to spend some bonding time with me because he was so scared of being a father that he couldn’t understand why everyone thought I was acting so different lately. 

He didn’t care about my sexuality, he cared about me. He cared what I wanted and what I felt. That caused me to look back at all that time I was holding back and feeling like he never wanted me before I became somebody that everyone cared about and realized I was still afraid. I don’t think fears leave us. I just think confidence comes from admitting your fears, not defeating them. 

Wow, I sound like my mom… and Elena… and my dad. 

This is a new beginning, Liam. I believe in that now. I’m not just saying that to prove anything. Why should someone need proof to believe in something when all you need to do is believe in yourself? Terror comes from feeling like we aren't needed and aren’t cared about when all we need is to have hope in ourselves that we do matter. We don’t even need hope to know we matter because everyone does. We just need it to get us there, to get us to believe. 

That’s what you need, Liam. Hope. You always tell me that you believe in me? I know it’ll be difficult but now is time to believe in yourself. 

Love, Bobby (P.s. I truly, honestly, believe in you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	26. A Life of Weighted Shoulders Pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam tries to figure out what he feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmm so...<3

The paper crinkled in his hands as his eyes read over every word written down, over and over again. Liam’s heart strained.

He didn’t know why reading this letter hurt him but it did. His head started pounding and so did his heart, which hurt. Everything hurt. And he had no idea as to why Bobby saying things are going great in his life felt like shit.

Is this annoyance? How could he ever be annoyed with Bobby? After all, he has told him to go after what he wanted and he did. He did and now he had a person who looked after him and a family who he knows loves him, which he always had but just didn’t know until he grabbed life by the horns and demanded it.

Is this happiness? Is this what true happiness felt like? If this is what it felt like then Liam would rather live his life being depressed then this. He was happy for Bobby, he truly was. How could he not be? 

Is this payback? Did he make such a mistake that now he is paying the price in pain? Liam was never a calculated person but he never wanted to hurt anyone. He spent his life figuring out how to help people and make people proud of themselves. Why would that ever cause him such hatred?

Is this anger? Why would he be angry if he knew he was happy for Bobby? Seeing Bobby happy made him feel joy. There was no balled up fists and steaming ears so where would it be coming from?

Too much thinking. Thinking causes us to overthink and overthinking causes us to stress and stress causes us to feel… guilt for something of what we don’t know.

Was Liam guilty? Again, why? Why is he guilty? 

Why? Why? Why?

Why is he so upset of the comfort he can’t have and the support he can’t reach and the parents that are there but aren’t really there? Why can’t he just only be happy and excited for his… whatever he is and only feel this lug on his shoulders whenever he reads those words on the paper? Why does he feel so held down and wish he could spring up from this bed and tell his parents anything even though he doesn’t want to? 

Believe in himself? It’s harder to do when all you want to do is make others happy but feel so upset when you feel nothing but emptiness. That when you give a heart to heart, your heart is just melting in your grasp. That when you make others smile, that’s the only reason you’re smiling. When you get a good grade on a test and feel like you actually did something in life correct even though you just read the study guide and paid attention in class and all you are really proud of is not looking like a fool. That when your best friend in the whole entire world has a family and although you are so happy, the only happiness that you are leeching off of isn’t because of something that happened to yourself.

It makes you feel selfish. It makes you… jealous.

Liam is jealous. Great. That’s all he needed to add to the bag of guilt he has. 

The letter laid aimlessly on the ground while Liam stared at the ceiling. His eyes started to gloss over knowing that he isn’t making himself feel any better. He took a deep breath and let it pour. It’s the only thing he could do right now.

The wrinkled piece of paper made its way into view again.

There is another thing he could do.

With shaky legs and hesitant hands, he sits at his desk and starts writing his letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	27. A Letter for You Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam writes a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmm sooooo

Dear Bobby,

Hey, dude. When you receive this letter, it’ll be the last I ever send. I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.

I should have told you how I was feeling, truly feeling. Nothing in those letters was a lie but it wasn’t the full truth. I can’t tell you the full thing yet and I don’t know when I will but right now, I can’t.

I need to stop talking for a while. I’m sorry, I can’t explain it to you and I know I should but I don't know how I’m feeling and that’s why. I can’t tell you because everything is so cloudy and everything I feel and everything squeezing me is anything but comfort. 

I am so proud of you. You have come such a far way and I cannot be more happy for you. But I need some time alone. When I read your letter the other day, I felt joy for you. And you being happy makes me happy but it has come to the point where I’m not being happy because I did something to be proud of.

God, I sound so selfish, I know. You can hate me and I would completely understand but for now, thank you so much. You have helped me, don’t believe this is me telling you everything you have done hasn’t worked but I can’t listen right now. Everything keeps disappearing in front of me and now with school and my parents being on my ass about my grades and getting on the football team and them asking when I'll finally getting a girlfriend is so much. I need some time to think. 

Thank you for being there for me and making me feel whole again. Thank you for liking me for who I am. Thank you for being supportive and showing me the brighter sides of things. Thank you for showing me I could be happy. Thank you for telling me to believe. Thank you for being my best friend.

But now I feel empty. I need to be alone right now. I’m so sorry. The last thing I have ever wanted to do is hurt anybody.

I’m hurting myself, Bobby. I’m a person and I can’t do this alone but I think there is a difference between what I need to do alone and what I don’t want to do alone. You are so incredibly brave and confident and the only person in my life who was really there for me when I needed it most but you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve me sucking off your happiness so I can feel happiness.

I know this will hurt you and that makes me not want to send this but I can’t keep doing this to myself, Bobby. It isn’t just you. My emotions are just built off of others and it has gotten to the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Like before, this isn’t goodbye forever. I will always be here for you, no matter if I’m talking or not. 

Thank you, Bobby.

Love, Liam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... 
> 
> follow me on twitter @ENBYSCARTERO


	28. A Life of Weighted Shoulders Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam feels a bad difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooo im so sorry for not updating in so long um i will try updating more since i want to finish this... expect a lot more written parts for a bit. ily all!!<3

Liam’s hand felt warm. He’s been squeezing his backpack strap since he walked into the building and the pattern was imprinting on his skin. This is the only thing that felt familiar today. This is exactly how he began his journey in Orange Bay Middle. 

The thing is thinking about that gave him the wrong idea for what will happen next. It’s September, school has been happening for almost a month and yet, Liam still thinks when he walks into that courtyard, a boy with curly hair will catch him hitting a paper ball into the trash and ask him to join the tennis team. Funny thing is his school doesn’t have a tennis team, just a club, and the club is so tiny that they can’t even compete.

He would join if he wasn’t on the football team. He made it but he mostly thinks his father did something or it was because of his brother's reputation that got him the spot. The tryouts were a mess and frankly, the fact that he didn’t die is the biggest early Christmas miracle ever.

In this hallway, he felt like a whole other person. He didn’t feel like Liam. He felt like… his persona he had when he was younger but an opposite. Like his persona became different. It felt brand new and weird and frustrating that he has to embrace it. The last time, it took so long to learn how to be who he thought others wanted him to be because people want so many things out of strangers and brothers and sons. Liam just wanted to be Liam and yet, the mask he wore felt more like himself than with it off. He has been acting for so long that the movie became a reality. 

When the sun kissed his skin, he groaned under his breath. Why couldn’t it just be cold? If it was cold, a hoodie would be more appropriate to where although he doesn’t really care. He is going to be drowning in sweat most of the days that did it really matter? It’ll just feel sticky and gross if it was cold. 

He doesn’t even want to think about that but if he did, every other thought that left a bitter taste on his tongue would poison him until he dropped dead in front of his whole school and it’d give his parents another reason to be disappointed in him. It’s just gotten to that point where the only place to succeed is the way his parents put him yet, he feels so stuck in those positions that they seem impossible.

If only they knew he basically just lost someone. He actually lost more than one person. He lost Bobby, his grandma, his Miami family, himself. It’s all gone and all he has now is a family that wants him to succeed yet everything that they want him to do will just make him miserable. Yes, he might go far in life with it but he has a feeling once he’s out and done with high school, those parent dreams will crumble. There is no way he is playing football for the rest of his life. It’s way more than that and he is so proud of his brothers but they like the sport. Liam tolerates it. 

He puts on a face, a mask. There is one for everything that comes with a little sound of reaction. There is that one where he opens a pair of white socks on his birthday. He needed new socks but for his birthday? A little nod and smirk and a cheery thank you was convincing. There was the first day of school which was an “I’m fine” and a soft smile, no teeth. Also, a little giggle when his dad ran a hand over his head when he dropped him off. That was when he was younger, of course. Now he walks home. There was the face when he found out he was going to Miami. Any kid would think going to live with grandma for a bit would be fun, and it was. Fun and joy wasn’t the first thing he thought of. He thought that this was it and his parents were giving him up. 

It cracked and the paint chipped and now his mask laid shattered. The show must go on but where was the understudy? 

He was supposed to go to the field for practice but when he double-checked that his parents weren’t home, he knew that skipping would be the right choice. He saw the cheerleaders on the track when he walked past the fence and his coach sat on a bench next to some of the players. They would notice he was gone mostly because he has a list of players and his ass will be on the line next time, if there even is a next time.

He should care. He should be scared of being kicked off the team. He just felt so numb. His brain hurt yet it felt normal for it to be squeezing hard and it choked every bit of emotion and now all his fingertips could graze would be the letters. 

Liam kept them in a shoebox decorated with little inside jokes. He told himself not to look at them but that didn’t stop him from reading them every night and remembering how freeing it felt to write them. These letters were Liam’s own personal hell and heaven. His sanctuary where trees grew branches of wisdom and flowers rubbed against his ankles and sent shivers and spark down his spine and wind blew against his ear and goosebumps caught his arm. It was perfect, then. And now, they all seem so unreal like Liam wrote them to himself. Now, it's so hard to believe that someone has hope for him and that he could make it with himself. He is himself yet he feels like a statue made out of dirt.

His home wasn’t far. He misses his bike. It was a dark blue with a basket and a cool bell that had flames around the outer edge. It never worked. It was hand me down from another hand me down. This family seems to love generational passing. An heirloom of some sorts.

He got it for Christmas. His brother, Peter, got a stack of books. He felt so lucky to get a better gift than him. 

Now it was in the garage, waiting for one of the four Carter brothers to have a child to give it to. He was too big for it and he is trying to build up courage to ask his father to use his old bike but since he is skipping practice and it’s way too late to turn around, he thinks no amount of confidence will face his father.

If he was knight, he would be a pile of bones once he reached the tower guarded by a fire-breathing dragon. 

Heh, he’d be a shitty ass savior. 

The red-roofed house made his way into view and suddenly, he was standing by his mailbox. He checked for mail although he checked this morning, there was no harm in looking again. It was empty unless you counted the tiny spider web in the corner. He closed it and marched his way up the driveway, no cars in sight.

When he walked in, he saw Braiden napping on the couch with his computer open and a bowl of soggy fruit loops on the table in front of him. He stayed home sick even though Liam thinks he is faking it. He carefully tip-toed up the stairs and got to his room as fast as he could. Everything felt dusty, disgusting. His bed wasn’t even made.

He flopped on it, his head just barely missing the post. He felt so tired yet sleeping would only mean going under a curse. 

“A mess.” He muttered. He decided, fuck it. He is already done. He is done with everything and everyone telling him who he should be that now he isn’t Liam anymore. He’s a husk of what a developing soul was. 

Goodnight world, I hope you give me a fucking clue when I wake up, he thought. With that, he was out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @ENBYSCARTERO


	29. A Life of Weighted Shoulders Pt.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby is stuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyy im back lol

It is all coming back again. Wallowing in his room, an emotionally empty Bobby laid in his bed with his face buried in a pillow. Sometimes a tennis ball would be grasped within his hands but looking at the messily written sharpie on the ball came with too many bad memories that used to be a revelation. He would throw it at the wall and that would prompt Elena to yell at him to knock it off. 

This is what he did before. When he lost someone who was close to him, it was like everyone lost Bobby along the way. 

His mom would frequently visit his room with a plate of food and get the locked door open with a bobby pin. She’d lay the plate on his nightstand and recover the plate from what she left before. He would eat but not as much. 

Bobby knew the only thing that could possibly get him out of this funk is tennis in December yet that thought only brought something he wished to never happen. What does he do if he doesn’t get in? He has met the coach, of course, but this was not like middle school anymore. It was harder and scarier and… Liam wasn’t there.

He wants to call him yet Liam doesn’t want to talk to him and having that in the back of his mind makes it hurt even more. The sadness overpowers anything else that he could feel, that he should feel. Bobby is not mad or angry when anybody would think that he should be. He wants to feel that madness steaming his veins and the smoke blowing from his ears and… he doesn’t. He can’t be mad at Liam.

“Bobby?” It was Elena.

“Yeah?” His voice was scratchy since all he did was go to school and sleep. The only time his family saw him was in the morning for school and in the car and sometimes, he would walk so they would barely see him at all. 

“Dinner is ready.” 

“M’ not hungry.” He heard her sigh and a slight clunk on the floor.

“I’ll leave your plate here, I know you.” She doesn’t. She knows what she thinks she knows and that is that Bobby is one hundred percent hungry. What she is oblivious to is that he just doesn’t want her to see him like this. 

“Bye.” He whispered. She was already gone before he spoke but Bobby just pretended she heard him. He is being a dick.

This was where he was stuck again. He was tired of losing people close to him. First, it was his dad now Liam and this has got him worried for the future of everyone. What about Camila? She and Dani are head over heels for each other. When they get married, they might as well move away to paradise and never come back.

That’s selfish to think.

This whole feeling is selfish but he can’t help but feel it. If he could change anything in his life, it’d be to not feel. No hurt, no crushes, no happiness. He can be a husk without feeling shitty about it. 

Another day of isolation, another era that has come to an end and Bobby just wishes that it’ll end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @Iuvberry


	30. A Letter to Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby can't use his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyy

Dear Bobby,

Wow, life is fucked up for me. I never thought about my future and then my future came and all of sudden, everything I worked for was torn right out of my hands and smashed in front of me. Is this what torture feels like? 

I once heard that writing all your feeling down will help but it just makes me feel weak and dumb and the fact that I can’t send them to a certains someone makes it worse. I mean, I could but it’s probably weird and creepy and clingy almost? Liam doesn’t want to talk to me so I’ll give him the space he wants. He doesn’t need to listen to my problems and issues while he is going through his own shit.

It’s basically a stoic life at this point. Elena taught me that one. Except maybe just a little stoic because I look fine to some people but my family knows. They don’t know what’s happening but they know I’m upset and I’m not that good at hiding it anymore.

An actor knows how to act because they have been trained to. I had my training and my debut and my awards and my fun but now it’s over and I can’t keep going on like this. I miss him every day and I know I could just pick up my phone and call him but I’m too afraid to check if he has blocked me. I know I could write him a letter and yell at him and tell him how I’m doing and ask if the weather is nice where he is. Literally anything. Yet, I’m not going to. I can’t bring myself to and I don’t want to be annoying.

We aren't together. Liam and I are friends but now it’s like we don’t even know each other. Friends can go days without talking but that’s under the reassurance of knowing that you can always message them at any time. I have the reassurance of knowing that Liam can’t talk to me anymore. He can’t and won't and I respect it because I respect him but I’m so upset.

This isn’t helping. I’m already telling myself what I know and I don’t want to see it again. I want to write a miracle but that isn’t reality so I can’t say it because I’m feeling no miracle, no happiness, no comfort, I have nothing that I can feel differently about. 

Snow doesn’t fall in Miami. No Christmas miracle. It’s like the author of life needed drama and I was the dummy they chose to throw around until my body was bruised and broken and no hope left for it. I’m now being buried alive yet I don’t feel alive at all.

Here lies Bobby Cañero-Reed, the dumbest of the asses with a mind so bright that it blinded him until he couldn’t see his inevitable ending.

If this was the ending of a movie, I would want my money back. What’s the point? Why does hurt exist? Why do we need to feel this pain? I still wonder what the point of feeling hurt, physically and emotionally. What is the lesson? I’m still waiting for my happy ending but if it looks so easy on the big screen, then why is it so much harder in reality? Fuck, I hate it.

Dear Bobby, you’ll probably read this two minutes after and regret ever writing such a thing because you regret feeling this way. I know you still will and this has no point at the time being.

Hopefully I can look at this in my future and feel something else like I was kicking present-me’s ass because I’m stronger in the future. I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait. I just want this to be over soon.

-Bobby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @Iuvberry (the L is actually an uppercase i)


	31. Brother to Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam and Peter have a chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...its been a while um

After dinner, Liam stormed up to his room as fast as he could. Embarrassing. He started shedding tears as his parents talked and his brothers nodded in triumphs with conversations about their achievements while Liam sat there with no words to let out. He had nothing to say after all. Football was something he didn’t enjoy and of course he was proud of everything his brothers do but even after doing so much to just prove himself to his parents, it’s like he did nothing. Nothing. It was nothing, he was nothing to them.

He threw himself onto his desk chair and just held his forehead. This house was getting tiring by the minute and the more time he spends in his room, the more he feels like he is suffocating. The air was basically intoxicating and Liam was the victim.

“Hey, Liam, can I come in?”

“I’m… I’m busy.” He calls back. Busy with brooding, he supposed.

“Nice try.” The door opened and Peter stood there with his arms crossed. “You can play the lie game with Braiden and Winston, they buy into obliviousness.”

“I’m not in the mood.” Liam turned himself away from the door. He didn’t know if it was just for dramatic effect or because he was trying to hide his stuffy eyes. 

“It seems like you’re not in the mood for a lot of things, lately.”

“Didn’t know I was getting read today.” 

Peter sighed and sat on Liam’s bed. Keeping his distance.

“So, are you going to tell me why you were crying at the dinner table today?”

And that’s why he turned away. He was a deer caught in bright headlights that blinded him and this why the moment before every light went away. The moment when his life actually meant something because he has been caught. There could have been ways to waltz through the issues and act like they don’t exist. And now they do. They exist because someone else noticed.

“I- I wasn’t.”

“I told you, no-”

“Lie game, I get it.” Liam squeezed his hands. “Have you ever thought you could be wrong?”

“Have you ever thought that I cared about you?”

Liam shook his head and breathed in. That hurt. “Why would you ask that?”

“Just saying,” Peter stood from his spot and walked over to Liam with a hand outstretched. “I am your brother, Liam.”

“And I am tired.”

The hand on his shoulder felt so heavy. So much weight on his shoulders. The weight of his words and his worries and all of it was combined with the mix of shame and guilt and it just happened to be there because his brother put his hand there. Why is everything so heavy now?

“And you were crying.”

He was the rock pushed over the edge that crumbled at the surface. He was the water at the end of a waterfall that smashed with the ground and caused pain. That’s who Liam was at this moment. A hurricane full of rage and underused emotion that was only allowed out around this specific person who is no longer with him because of his own baggage. This was it. This was him.

“I was crying, okay!” Liam shouted. He kept it at a volume he knew anyone upstairs could hear but it didn’t matter at this point.

“Liam-”

“And I was crying because everything hurt. I lost so much when I left for Miami and then I left there and I lost even more. I lost so many people, Peter. So many. And I hurt someone so close to me and the only person who… who actually cared. The only person who knew but I felt okay with. I lost him.” 

Peter stared in shock as his little brother’s barrier began to crumple right before him. His body felt too frozen to react and Liam’s body felt like jelly melting in the hot sun because soon enough, he was on the ground.

“He was the only person who made me feel whole again, after I had to move. Because I loved you guys… I missed you guys and I didn’t know what I would do without you guys. And then I met him and…”

“You loved him.” Peter whispered.

“...Love.” 

“Liam… you know I do not care who you love.” Peter said. “I could never judge you for that.”

“I know.” Liam wiped under his eyes but it was no use if more tears kept coming. His head started to pound.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Peter didn’t slide next to him. Not yet. His brother needed some space. He wasn’t about to walk out of the room after what he was just told though.

Growing up, the Carter brothers definitely acted like siblings. They fought, whether it was a joke or serious but at the end of the day, they were all there for each other. Peter knew being the oldest would come with some hardships and heartbreaks. Leaving for college was one of his biggest fears and not because he didn’t want to go, he just didn’t want to leave his family.

Liam was the closest to Braiden, maybe because of the ages but that didn’t mean Liam meant nothing to him. Peter was the first person to know that Liam wanted to be an artist. Now, Liam never told him but he saw it the moment he gave Liam a tour of his college and he stared at the art by the students hung from the walls for too long. It was the artist glint. 

Peter never thought he would be the first person to know about Liam’s sexuality. He never thought about him being gay or whoever he is. Maybe it shouldn’t have been a thought to never exist. After all, it's normal. And now he stood there watching his little brother sob and all those years that he could’ve been there for him were somewhat bittersweet.

“His name is Bobby. He plays tennis, he was actually the one who got me into tennis.”

“What are you, a grandma?” That got a tiny chuckle out of Liam.

“I’m good at it, I’m really good. And football, it’s nice but I suck. You’re a football player, I’m… an artist who happens to love tennis.” Peter nodded and didn’t take his eyes off Liam.

“So, are you… gay?”

“I’m bisexual.” Liam’s voice was scratchy like a broken record. “I-I pushed away all because… all because I was scared of my feelings.” 

“Well, it’s okay to be scared. Feelings are scary.”

“I hate it.” He mumbled and brought his knees up to his chest.

“I know.”

If Peter could relate to one thing his brother has ever said, it was that feelings suck. It’s like a hammer constantly beating your stomach and the sun burning your brain. Every eye seems to be watching you and out of the corners, you watch everyone else. They make you observant and nervous all the time and it also makes you believe what you never wanted to hear. It sucks.

Peter had these feelings when his parents separated their lives from his grandmother. It was a branch falling off and snapping into pieces.

He watched them, he was completely infatuated with whatever shit was happening between them. And losing the feelings is when he faced his fears. He stayed out of it.

“Is there something wrong with me, Pete?”

And that’s when he knew his brother needed him. Peter slid down and grabbed Liam by the shoulders gently.

“Not at all.”


	32. Sister to Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elena and bobby have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh hey... so... 😁 hey besties i’ve been getting back into doafp so updates shouldn’t be as spaced out as usual but the school year has been a big stress on me and so writing has been hard. the only reason that updates might be slow is because testing is going to start before i know it and i need to do well on those !! i hope u all like this update (also this is unedited i’m going to do all the edits when i finish)

Elena misses her brother. She has gone through the ignoring and the locked doors once and she doesn’t want to do it again and as much as she wants to turn a new leaf and try and give her brother the space and isolation she needs, there is too much curiosity running through her veins to care about new ideals.

Being an instigator is a special favor of hers.

When they brushed their teeth, Elena was tired of looking at the dipped frown on his face. It was just so… dippy. And the only thing she knew how to do was be a little sister from this point on.

“Go away.” Bobby flopped face first onto his bed and Elena closed the bathroom door softly. She crossed her arms at the poor boy and sighed.

“Bobby, I’m worried.”

“And I’m tired, go away.” 

“You haven’t acted like this since-”

“Don’t say it.” Bobby cut in quickly and sharply that it pierced whatever tension was in the room.

“I won't.” She let her hands drop. “But it doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s true.”

The amount of door slams that she heard a month after her father died was bountiful. They would echo in the halls and maybe even New York could hear it. He was upset, he had every right to be. Elena and Bobby have different ways of grieving and she was one to take it head on. Maybe he was too. They clearly have two contrasting definitions of head on if that’s true.

Her mom handled Bobby’s new change of attitude strangely well. She, of course, had the occasional stress of not being able to handle it anymore. Elena remembers the tiny bickers in the front seats of the car that turned into blank faces and passive aggressive sighs and the sound of the doors. 

“How’d you even get in here so fast?”

“I’ve had this planned for two weeks.”

She wasn’t coming in here without a game plan. Who does Bobby think she is?

“Did your plan consist of me ignoring you until you gave up?”

“I’m your sister and you know I’m no quitter.” Bobby groaned lightly and sat up. He was just staring at the posters above his bed and not facing Elena. 

“I wish you were so I wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Ouch.

“Look, you can be rude all you want, and that comment hurts by the way, but I’m reaching out. Please don’t let me fall into oblivion.”

“Now is not the time to go all poetic on me, Elena.”

She does that a lot, doesn’t she? Damn her and her perfect English scores.

“Bobby, I know what it feels like to have… bad days.” 

“Yeah, days. Have you been stuck in a bad year?” Elena stared at him for a second a blinked. She pulled out his desk chair and moved it closer to his bed and crossed her legs to match her arms.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She already knows the answer because she knows her brother. Elena knows a lot of things. She has her heart set out on what shoes she is going to wear for graduation and the shade of lipstick she will wear when she becomes president. There is a list of groceries that will be bought when she first moves into her apartment already in her mind and the money plan. She was always good with numbers. She knows all the words to her favorite songs and knows who is singing what when it’s a band. She memorized all of the emotions within the way her mom walks. She knows the way to get to the donut place without having to go down a main road. So, she knows her brother.

After all, she knows how to read people too.

“Yes.” He sighed into his hands. “But I can’t.”

“Then I’ll wait, I promise.” She clasped her hands together and put them on her knees.

“Thanks.”

Now, she isn’t the most patient person ever but in that two second transition to silence, she pledged that she will wait for Bobby. She is doing this for Bobby.

But she had to say something, anything even. It was just too...quiet for her taste.

“So…”

“Elena.”

“Right, sorry.” It is something she needed to work on. There was nothing wrong with her personality whatsoever yet in moments like these, all she wanted to do was get to the bottom of this. If she knew her brother, she knew that wasn’t going to work.

“Look, I know you said not to talk but you clearly don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you so I’ll just sit here, okay, and wait. No talking.”

She patted her knees and looked at the carpet. It’s not like she has never seen her family conflicted before. This type of feeling isn’t a new thing. She herself has felt that type of emotion before. Maybe in different circumstances, maybe not, she has no idea what is running through Bobby’s brain right now and although it’s understandable, it's infuriating her curiosity.

“Elena, look-”

“You don’t want to talk about it, I know, I know, it’s just we are all worried about you and we just want to help and I hate seeing you mope around like that-” Bobby was giving her the look to tell her to stop talking. 

“It’s just… it’s complicated. I don’t know what to start with.” 

Elena stood up and sat on the side of the bed with her hands clasped in her lap. 

“Well what I usually do is just say the first thing that you can think of or like, the first thought that stands out. What is the biggest thing happening?”

“A lot, actually. Like, I can’t even understand it.” 

Elena nodded. “That’s… understandable.”

“I guess… um, so Liam moved. That sucks.” Elena nodded again.

“Yeah.”

“We’ve kept in touch.” 

“Aren't you two best friends? Why wouldn’t you keep in touch? God knows if Sasha was to leave that I would never put my phone down.” 

Bobby groaned under his breath and rested his chin on his knees. “Yeah, yeah of course and of course we’ve texted and called and all of that but- but we basically uh-“

“Bobby?” He held his breath for a second or two and let it go heavily.

“I like him, a lot. And uh- we’ve been writing letters to each other, it’s silly, I know but it was ours, I guess.” 

Elena cheered in her mind knowing of her brother's newly found romantic side. She always knew he was sort of a hopeless-romantic in a way and this proves it. The Bobby she saw every day years ago wouldn’t be writing letters like it was forbidden love. 

“And that's why you’ve been upset for weeks?”

“It was fine, for a while and all of a sudden it was just… not. After I came out, things started to get a little weird and then he talked to me about how he needs time to himself- he didn’t block me though. It’s just all weird and blank in my head.” 

Elena instantly reached out and put a supportive hand on his back.

“Bobby, I am so sorry.”

“It’s… it’s fine, thank you.” Bobby still had his head stuffed in between his knees and his eyes were squeezed shut. 

“Did you tell him you like him?” 

She had no idea why Liam, one of the coolest human beings ever, would pull himself away like that. There had to be a reason and if there was, she was just praying that it had nothing to do with Bobby and who he was. That thought instantly wiped from her mind knowing how open he was around Cami and Dani, more open then he was around her mom which probably wasn’t an insult or anything seeing as she did seem him sitting around a pillow with a bra attached. Bobby told her that story one night when she was feeling down. It was something to laugh about.

“Yeah, but it had nothing to do with that… I hope.” Elena couldn't do anything but nod.

“As much as the side of Monster-Elena wants to come out, I don’t think Liam had any bad intentions. But you also didn’t deserve that, at all.” 

There was silence for a moment. Elena expected the sounds of slamming doors in an eerie silence but now it’s just empty. There was slight murmurs from her mother a couple doors down most likely talking to herself or on the phone. It was a windy night, and cold. That made them both shiver slightly as it seemed underneath the closed window. She didn’t hear the expected and she doesn’t know if that’s worse.

“He’s an artist, you know?” 

“I didn’t.”

“He drew me some pictures of a starry sky and my favorite constellation. I brought that up once when he was still here. Once.”

“He cares about you.” 

Bobby lifted his head up and looked at Elena. She could see how puffy they are. He looks tired.

“I know.”

“I’m glad you know, y’know?” She bumped his shoulder and giggled lightly. He let out a tiny chuckle and looked at his now bouncing knees.

“That felt nice.” 

Elena knows that it was genuine. It’s nice to say what you want without being judged. It’s a good feeling to some.

“Hey, Bobby?” 

He had a tight grip on the bedsheets and he still looked nervous but it’s not going to wash over and be taken into the sea. It’s a process.

“Yeah?”

“You can cry if you want to, I won’t judge.” He stifled a low laugh and she heard a tiny sniffle.

“I think I’m all cried out.”

Elena hopped off the bed. “Then you need some water, bro.” 

She mocked him in an attempt to make him smile again.

It worked.

“Yeah, yeah.” She grinned at him before turning away.

“Elena?” Her hand was on the knob and she turned around swiftly.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.” Her grin lowered into a somewhat smile.

“Goodnight, Bobby! Love you.” He gave her a little nod.

“Goodnight, love you too.”

Elena wasn’t happy because she got the answers she wanted although her reason could be one of them. She’s just happy her brother seemed to be okay now and if he wasn’t, he would be. 

Maybe tonight he’d get some rest for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @Iuvberry


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